Have your Starbucks cake and eat it too!

Every now and again, I'm a little bit amazed at just how far Starbucks allows that whole "Just Say Yes" philosophy to permeate the culture. Hipsters with laptops are one thing - they usually buy something. These people tonight - they were a totally different story.

First, a pack of six comes in. Old ladies with old men in tow, gabbling like hens pecking for a loose piece of corn scattered about the coop.

The racket is deafening. It gets louder.

They need chairs. And tables. There's a discussion. A long, loud, lengthy discussion that would put the United Nations to shame. I wanted to take off my shoe and pound the pastry case.

Finally, they wedged the two four tops together - but not side-by-side. They stuck them together at an angle, so one table jutted out into the empty lane that people usually use as, you know, empty space. They didn't care.

They still needed chairs. They grabbed the eight chairs that went with the four-tops, then three more that went with all the little two-tops along the wall.

Eleven chairs. Eleven old people. Eleven tall Christmas Blends.

They asked for more milk, and more half-and half twice. The shift supervisor on duty finally just brought out a jug of everything and sat it on the counter.

THIS WAS CLEARLY GONNA BE A THROW-DOWN!

You know why? Because somebody rolled up in there with a cake. A big, three-layer, round number with fondant icing and a gorgeous box. None of this cheap grocery story bakery stuff - a proper CAKE.

So, what do they do next?

They asked for a stack of plates! And forks. AND A KNIFE. Because apparently the thing you do is just throw a birthday party up in the Starbucks.

Baristas just kept handing stuff over. Because it all just goes into the dishwasher - and why make an issue.

I don't know where the knife came from though.

Also, them old ladies were loud. Like - SUPER LOUD. And they didn't offer me any cake. Even though there was cake left over - and they asked if there was any Saran Wrap to wrap it up with.

*sigh* At least they didn't ask if there were any presents they could have.

Hey Baby! Overheard at Starbucks

 Tonight, it is all about what you overhear while waiting for a venti salted caramel hot chocolate, add chocolate sprinkles. (Thanks to the folks on the Sbuxdrama Facebook page for the tip - try it - CRAY-MAY-ZHING!)

So. I'm sitting there, minding my own business, when I hear "I have a strong throat." Followed by a herd of giggles.

I'm determined not to literally turn around and look, because staring is rude and - as I'm frequently reminded - "Sooner or later, you're going to stare at the wrong person."

I hear it again. "I have a really strong throat. My mother says I got it from her."

Now, at this, I turn and stare.

Four girls, wearing those handkerchief blouses - you know, those things that look like two ugly bandanas stitched together with holes for the head and arms - are shucked up together at a table with cookies.

She-Bear Strong Throat is ... ummm ... "eating" cookies like how people eat raw oysters. Down the hatch! Or at least, that's what it looks like. She's got her chin up, throat almost vertical, pulsing - she looks like a bullfrog puffing her glands out.

I hope she doesn't choke.

And for the record boys, the throat does look remarkably ... strong.

The conversation ebbs and flows, then one of the four blondes at the table drops this bomb: "Is it true that you're not supposed to give babies a bath until they're baptized?"

Which, considering that babies are (usually) not sprinkled for at least a few weeks ... might be messy.

This leads to a 15-minute debate over what constitutes a "bath" - and whether it would be OK to just take a shower with a baby in order to get around this "rule." There's also a lively side discussion about what happens when the expectant mother is pregnant with the child and takes a bath - does this count as a violation.

I weep - WEEP - for the future of humanity.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas at Starbucks

Starbucks Christmas decorations.

So, I made a pilgrimage to my local Starbucks tonight. After sitting for two hours reading the Christos Tsiolkas book "The Slap," things finally got interesting.

About 9 p.m., a big crew of baristas pour in. They're setting the store for Christmas tonight.

Let it be know that tomorrow is Nov. 15. A full 42 days before Christmas and not incidentally ten days before Thanksgiving. At least they waited until after Halloween....

The main Christmas decorations this year are ... in a word ... ugly.

Each store gets three of the ugliest Christmas trees known to man. Two feet tall, covered in green plastic that is supposed to resemble holly (but really looks like tiny weeds) and with a garish decoration of paper mistletoe and three red balls stuck on front.

These come in three sizes. One is in three parts that attach to each other and winds up about five feet tall. It goes BESIDE one of the display cases. Another is in two pieces and goes ON one of the tables. The third probably goes on either a counter or beside the register.

These are truly ugly. See the photo. If this is supposed to be someone's idea of what "holiday greenery" looks like, they need their head examined.

Worse, they're made in China. This, after Howard made a huge deal and launched that whole campaign to get folks to buy a $5 bracelet and rebuild the American economy. This, if you're not familiar, is called the "Create Jobs for USA" campaign. Starbucks Melody has a pretty good roundup at her eponymous blog.

However, I think it is highly hypocritical of Starbucks to beg customers to give $5 of their money to "create jobs in America" when they can't be bothered to buy merchandise from America. While coffee beans won't grow here, coffee cups, teddy bears and everything else can sure be manufactured here. Yet, box after box came out labeled "Made in China." Check the label on that $14.95 Bearista Bear - cute as a button - "Manufactured in China." Just so you know.

Rant over. The rest of the Christmas merchandise is actually kind of cute. The 2011 Bearista Bear is adorable. Green puffy jacket, cute furry hat, and a $14.95 price tag. There's also a white stuffed puppy dog with a green Starbucks scarf.

Lots of new mugs and gift packages, mostly in red, although there's a stylized snowman mug in the style of Mondrian that is kind of modern and interesting. The angular theme of the merchandise and the packaging is exactly what's on the holiday cups, just shifted to "stuff." On the whole, I like it - although the Christmas trees don't fit this at all. They look like traffic cones covered in plastic moss.

Perhaps my favorite is the 2011 Christmas ornament. This year, it is a full size espresso cup with the logo. At first, I thought they were actual espresso cups, but no, they're ornaments. There's also a four-pack of the takeaway cups as ornaments, two in white and two in red.

By ten until ten, the store is absolutely jammed with merchandise covering every table, chair and flat surface except the one I'm sitting at. More comes out from the back. There are also boxes and boxes and boxes of coffee - and the baristas tell me that they will sell through the Christmas blend as fast (or faster) than they can get it in stock.

Also, I hear that no one wants the Thanksgiving blend right now, but that the week of Thanksgiving, everyone wants it. So, if you're a fan, stock up now.

Squalling babies in diapers

There were squalling babies in diapers tonight.

Squalling babies in diapers that were crawling around on the floor.

Who are these people? Don't they care about their children? Don't they know that people - hundreds of people - walk on that floor?

I'm so glad I walked through the park (where you KNOW people let their dogs go ALL THE TIME) earlier today - and then stood around talking to my barista right where those babies were crawling.

You know why?

I will tell you why.

I was enjoying a really, really rare Saturday night off work. I was in Starbucks reading when this family came in. Two women (both with babies) and three men.

I was in a comfy chair - and they all decided to join me on the couch and the other three comfy chairs. Which is fine. The chairs are there to be used.

Although I did not appreciate the dirty looks as if I was taking up THEIR space. I was here first. This is MY Starbucks. Deal.

Also, you people let your babies scream for 45 minutes without ever offering them a cookie, water, juice, a bottle, a toy or something.

You just let them crawl around on the floor.

I was so tempted to drop a piece of my donut and see if they would pick it up .....

Old Olivia wants a pen. And a shrink

So much crazy I can't even stand it. I CANNOT STAND IT.

There's a ... woman? Well, yes, biologically a woman. She climbs out of red Jaguar with Michigan plates that is parked across three spots, leans over into her purse and starts digging furiously.

Picture a honey badger going after grubs. Now, picture a honey badger in Olivia Newton-John at the end of "Grease" drag. That's what this looked like.

I dunno what's she's looking for, but girlfriend is NOT finding it. She slams the car door with a thunkkk loud enough that I can hear it through the plate glass.

Old Olivia heads inside. Comically, she is actually wearing a sad, bad version of Olivia Newton-John from the end of "Grease" drag. That's why I'm calling her "Old Olivia."

High water pants - these have a little more give in them to accommodate a copious bottom, plus little ties about mid-calf. Kind of like a hippo wearing lace? There's a seafoam green off-the shoulders blouse too. Top that off with cork wedges on three-inch soles. Plus a curly bouffant. You think I'm joking. I thought I was looking at a 60-year-old version of Sandra Dee as interpreted by Fernando Botero. Fix that image in your mind......

Old Olivia thunks in. She gets to mid-way through the first row of merchandise and squeaks out "EXCUSE ME!" in a omnidirectional pout. No one looks up.

Old Olivia goes over to the corner of the pastry case, where one barista is bent down cleaning and squeaks "EXCUSE ME" again. No one hears here. She really doesn't have much volume over the stereo. And people are cleaning.

Old Olivia decides to walk behind the counter and tap the barista on the back.

This gets a response.



Dear customers. In fact, DEAR ANYONE. If you are EVER in a retail situation and need help, please just keep raising your voice or wave your hands or move to where we can see you. Even if we are involved in a task, we will eventually notice. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH. EVER. WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO COME INTO YOUR PLACE OF WORK AND TOUCH YOU? NO? OK THEN.

After all that, Old Olivia doesn't even want a coffee.

Old Olivia wants a pen.

Old Olivia babbles for a while: "Do you have a pen? I don't have a pen. I need a pen. I looked all through the car and I don't have a pen. I need a pen. I need to write a number down and I don't have a pen. I need to take a pen. Please tell me you have a pen. Please. I need to take your pen. I can't bring it back. But I need a pen. Do you have a pen?"

The barista takes a step back, finds a pen and gives it to her.

Old Olivia squeaks "Thank You" and leaves.

Wait, wait. Do tell me.

Old Olivia gets in her car. But she doesn't go anywhere. She starts scratching around for something. I see her fling a huge purse up on top of the steering wheel and start digging through it. I mean, she's DIGGING. Like, throwing extra crap onto the dashboard in a hunt for something.

She doesn't find it. She grabs all the crap that was formerly IN the purse and then was ON the dashboard and starts stuffing it back IN the purse. Old Olivia throws the purse into the passenger seat and stomps back to the trunk. I can't HEAR anything through the plate glass, but I can only imagine what's going on.

She finally emerges clutching a notebook. OMG. All this was over a piece of paper?

Back to the front seat - where she has to hunt for the pen again. I can't imagine that in all that mountain of stuff that was in the purse, she did not have one writing instrument. I mean, a lipstick pencil will do in a pinch even.

OK. But then we find out what THE CAUSE of all THE EXCITEMENT was ALL ABOUT.

Old Olivia wants to write down the number of the FOR LEASE sign on the closed restaurant next to the Starbucks.

Then, she gets into her car, looks at the number she just wrote down, picks up her phone and calls the number.

HOLD UP. WAIT A MINUTE. LET'S PUT SOME COMMON SENSE IN IT.

Let's back up here. Old Olivia has a phone. A Smartphone by the look of it.

She could either have saved the info in the Notes app on the phone (even my old T-Mobile Sidekick had one back in 2007) or JUST SAVED THE NUMBER.

WE COULD HAVE AVOIDED ALL THIS DRAMA.

But no. Then I would not have had anything to write about.

Thank you, Old Olivia. And your inability to use a technologically advanced cell phone.

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