Old Olivia wants a pen. And a shrink

So much crazy I can't even stand it. I CANNOT STAND IT.

There's a ... woman? Well, yes, biologically a woman. She climbs out of red Jaguar with Michigan plates that is parked across three spots, leans over into her purse and starts digging furiously.

Picture a honey badger going after grubs. Now, picture a honey badger in Olivia Newton-John at the end of "Grease" drag. That's what this looked like.

I dunno what's she's looking for, but girlfriend is NOT finding it. She slams the car door with a thunkkk loud enough that I can hear it through the plate glass.

Old Olivia heads inside. Comically, she is actually wearing a sad, bad version of Olivia Newton-John from the end of "Grease" drag. That's why I'm calling her "Old Olivia."

High water pants - these have a little more give in them to accommodate a copious bottom, plus little ties about mid-calf. Kind of like a hippo wearing lace? There's a seafoam green off-the shoulders blouse too. Top that off with cork wedges on three-inch soles. Plus a curly bouffant. You think I'm joking. I thought I was looking at a 60-year-old version of Sandra Dee as interpreted by Fernando Botero. Fix that image in your mind......

Old Olivia thunks in. She gets to mid-way through the first row of merchandise and squeaks out "EXCUSE ME!" in a omnidirectional pout. No one looks up.

Old Olivia goes over to the corner of the pastry case, where one barista is bent down cleaning and squeaks "EXCUSE ME" again. No one hears here. She really doesn't have much volume over the stereo. And people are cleaning.

Old Olivia decides to walk behind the counter and tap the barista on the back.

This gets a response.



Dear customers. In fact, DEAR ANYONE. If you are EVER in a retail situation and need help, please just keep raising your voice or wave your hands or move to where we can see you. Even if we are involved in a task, we will eventually notice. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH. EVER. WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO COME INTO YOUR PLACE OF WORK AND TOUCH YOU? NO? OK THEN.

After all that, Old Olivia doesn't even want a coffee.

Old Olivia wants a pen.

Old Olivia babbles for a while: "Do you have a pen? I don't have a pen. I need a pen. I looked all through the car and I don't have a pen. I need a pen. I need to write a number down and I don't have a pen. I need to take a pen. Please tell me you have a pen. Please. I need to take your pen. I can't bring it back. But I need a pen. Do you have a pen?"

The barista takes a step back, finds a pen and gives it to her.

Old Olivia squeaks "Thank You" and leaves.

Wait, wait. Do tell me.

Old Olivia gets in her car. But she doesn't go anywhere. She starts scratching around for something. I see her fling a huge purse up on top of the steering wheel and start digging through it. I mean, she's DIGGING. Like, throwing extra crap onto the dashboard in a hunt for something.

She doesn't find it. She grabs all the crap that was formerly IN the purse and then was ON the dashboard and starts stuffing it back IN the purse. Old Olivia throws the purse into the passenger seat and stomps back to the trunk. I can't HEAR anything through the plate glass, but I can only imagine what's going on.

She finally emerges clutching a notebook. OMG. All this was over a piece of paper?

Back to the front seat - where she has to hunt for the pen again. I can't imagine that in all that mountain of stuff that was in the purse, she did not have one writing instrument. I mean, a lipstick pencil will do in a pinch even.

OK. But then we find out what THE CAUSE of all THE EXCITEMENT was ALL ABOUT.

Old Olivia wants to write down the number of the FOR LEASE sign on the closed restaurant next to the Starbucks.

Then, she gets into her car, looks at the number she just wrote down, picks up her phone and calls the number.

HOLD UP. WAIT A MINUTE. LET'S PUT SOME COMMON SENSE IN IT.

Let's back up here. Old Olivia has a phone. A Smartphone by the look of it.

She could either have saved the info in the Notes app on the phone (even my old T-Mobile Sidekick had one back in 2007) or JUST SAVED THE NUMBER.

WE COULD HAVE AVOIDED ALL THIS DRAMA.

But no. Then I would not have had anything to write about.

Thank you, Old Olivia. And your inability to use a technologically advanced cell phone.

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