Closing time: When the crazy people come out to play at Starbucks

Stop me if you've heard this one before: "A fat woman walks into a Starbucks ..."

And it gets real, real ugly.

Honestly, I don't even know why I bother going in any earlier than a half-hour before close anymore. That is apparently the "witching hour" - or the "magic hour" for crazy people to come up out of the woodwork and do their thing.

For starters, it was bad night. I had just finished a three-hour interview and had a head splitting like a block of firewood under a burly forester's ax. Probably the incipient thunderstorm, possibly the unmistakable agony of trying to pick out clever commentary over the sound of coffee grinders. Anyway. First. World. Problems.

I repair to my favorite Starbucks for some peace, quiet and hot chocolate. I get 90 minutes of blissful silence, broken only by the quiet drone of whatever new-age music is bumping out over the radio. I surf the Internet, gaze out the window at the headlights zooming by in the rain and stare at the mural on the wall. There is no drama. It is peaceful. It is wonderful. I repair my shattered psyche.

Until she walks in.

Actually, it is more of a stomp. Maybe a clomp. Picture a Clydesdale going across a marble floor at full gallop while wearing a black leotard with a bedazzled patch at the v-neck of the boobs, too-tight jeans, carrying a faux Coach purse and dragging a stout 8-year-old whining about his Nintendo DS.

That's what it was like.

Clydesdale Claudia comes in, looks around, sees an empty store (except for me and two baristas washing dishes) and is ... displeased. ADubs (Anna Wintour) ain't got nothing on her. That nose wrinkled like royalty entertaining the thought of marrying a pig keeper.

This is not good. Not good at all. But it is obviously about to be entertaining. Starbucks. A half-hour before close. Anywhere on the planet. The crazies come out to play.

Clydesdale Claudia drags the child over to the register, levers the purse up onto the counter and yells out "EXCUSE ME!" even though both baristas are within five feet of her.

Clydesdale Claudia: "Is there a birthday party here tonight?"

It obviously takes a moment for this to settle in. Because unless we're talking a guest list that includes Caspar, Kitty Pryde and other famous intangible beings, it definitely is NOT "a party up in here."

The baristas answer in the negative, to which Clydesdale Claudia replies: "I'm supposed to meet some people and have a party at this Starbucks."

Which is ALWAYS the correct answer twenty minutes before closing time.

At which point Clydesdale Claudia noticed that the pastry case was empty, the light out, and it was being cleaned prior to being re-stocked for tomorrow.

And Clydesdale Claudia flipped out.

Clydesdale Claudia: "THERE'S NO PASTRY? WHAT ARE WE GOIGN TO EAT? WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A PARTY! IT IS MY COUSIN'S SON'S BIRTHDAY AND WE CAME DOWN TO STARBUCKS JUST TO CELEBRATE!!!"

Oooooooooooo. Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

The baristas are backing away from the crazy.

And let us note that there is pastry on TOP of the case wrapped in plastic - which she could have gotten, plus they would have opened up anything she wanted, if she'd have just asked. But she decided to flip out because she came in 20 minutes before closing - and the case was empty.

But the drama was far, far from over.

Clydesdale Claudia whipped out a cell phone and started dialing. "Susie. Where are you? I'm at Starbucks. Where are you? I guess there's not going to be a party. You need to call me right now."

More dialing: "I'm at the Starbucks right now. Why didn't you tell me if we were going to cancel. I drove all the way down here. Gas costs money. I need you to call me back."

At least four calls. All in a loud tone. People a block away could have heard this. I know I did.

And here's the kicker. Clydesdale Claudia never once left the register. That faux Coach purse of her stayed on the counter and she stayed perched between the registers, as if by not moving she was going WILL THIS PARTY INTO EXISTENCE.

Also, I think Clydesdale Claudia was trying to gin up some sympathy and get an offer of free coffee and pastry. Not. Gonna. Happen.

After Clydesdale Claudia gets off the phone, she turns back to the baristas - who had gone back to cleaning - and asked "are you sure there haven't been any other people in here with a bunch of kids and presents tonight?"

I wanted to yell at her: "WHY WOULD THEY LIE TO YOU?"

Clydesdale Claudia sighs real loud and tells the world at large "I guess they just decided not to tell me it was canceled."

And finally decides to order a coffee: "What's in a mocha?"

After the barista tells her, she goes "I don't like chocolate."

Oh. My. God.

She finally decides on a latte and grabs two things of the fruit and nut mix, plus a chocolate bar for the child, who has whined the entire time.

As she's digging through this huge purse for her wallet, her phone goes off.

It is a text message from one of her friends. Clydesdale Claudia screams: "I'm at the wrong Starbucks!"

Clydesdale Claudia cancels the order and takes off - child in tow. Only he tries to leave with the chocolate bar and she has to make him put it back.

The baristas are left shaking their heads.

I am simply stunned.

Stunned I say.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: "A fat woman walks into a Starbucks ....