Clueless Connie tries to pick a Starbucks Bistro Box

There are people. There are stupid people. Then there are people who bathe in the River of Oblivion, dry themselves with linens of the lame-brained and put on the clothes of the cockeyed. In short, they be dumb.

One of these folks decides to try and buy a Bistro Box. God save the little children.

Clueless Connie doesn't know what she wants. Which isn't really an issue. Nobody really knows that they want out of life. Especially when the options are vast - well, at least there are eight of them and run the gamut from chicken to tuna to salumi. And hummus and vegetables oh my.

Clueless Connie stands at the case and starts moving the bistro boxes around. And around. And around. And around.

Have you ever seen those logic puzzles where you have to move the blocks around to get one particular block through a hole in one side, except you basically have to shift every OTHER block multiple times to do it? It's an exercise in logic? That's what this was like.

Clueless Connie was looking for something except she didn't know what she was looking for.

Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move.

And then we get a sigh.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

AND IT WAS LOUD TOO.

I heard it over my protestations of joy at my delicious hot chocolate.

Clueless Connie, you are harshing my chocolate vibe.

Clueless Connie finally decides to ask a barista for help.

This conversation is why customer service workers despise (some) customers. It was like talking to fake plant. Maybe worse. At least the plastic flower might wave back - and it looks decorative. Clueless Connie did not.

And I will guarantee you that this woman thought she "received bad service" because no one was able to "divine" what she wanted. I witnessed the conversation. It was like talking

Clueless Connie: "Which one of these are good?"
Barista: "What do you like? Chicken? Tuna fish? Vegetarian?"

Clueless Connie: "I don't know." WHAT. DO. YOU. EAT? LITTLE BABIES?
Barista: "I like the tuna fish. Do you like tuna fish?"

Clueless Connie: "I don't know."
Barista: "What do you like?"

Clueless Connie: "I don't know."
Barista: "Uhhhhh. What about this one?" Holding up a chicken and hummus bistro box.

Clueless Connie: "What's in that?"
Barista: "Chicken and hummus."

Clueless Connie: "What's hummus?"
Barista: "Maybe not that one then."

Clueless Connie: "What's this one?" She's got a chicken lettuce wraps bistro box
Barista: "That's spicy chicken, peanut sauce, lettuce and coleslaw. A lot of people like it. It is kind of Thai-food inspired."

Clueless Connie: "This has chicken? Where's the chicken?" I'll give her that point - because the "chicken" in that one is just this three oz. container that is sort of a chicken-peanut-thai-sauce mix thing. Good, but not a lot of it.
Barista: "It is in this plastic container. You might not be able to see it. It is under the label."

Clueless Connie: "Where do you put the chicken? What do you eat it with?"
Barista: "Um. It is chicken and lettuce wraps. You wrap the chicken in the lettuce and eat it. There's a peanut sauce to go with it. And a sort of coleslaw. Like I said, a lot of people like that one. We sell a lot of it."

Clueless Connie: "Peanut sauce?"
Barista: "It is a spicy peanut sauce. This is an Asian-inspired dish. It is kind of spicy."

Clueless Connie: "I don't like spicy food."
Barista: "You won't like this then. It is very spicy."

Clueless Connie: "What else is there?"
Barista: "Do you like salami? We have one of the salami and cheese boxes left. People like that one too."

Clueless Connie: "What's in that one?"
Barista: "It has salami, cheese and crackers."

Clueless Connie: "Salami?"
Barista: "Salami. It is kind of like pepperoni? The same thing as salami you buy in the grocery store salami. Like lunchmeat salami."

Clueless Connie: "I don't like that."
Barista: "Okay."

Clueless Connie: "Don't you have like a normal sandwich?"
Barista: "We have some sandwiches. But it is 8 p.m. We're mostly sold out for the day and won't get more in until the truck comes at 10 p.m."

Clueless Connie: "Where are the sandwiches?"
Barista: "Right there."

Clueless Connie: "Oh. Is that all you have?"
Barista: "Yes. That's all."

Clueless Connie: "I thought you might have more in the back."
Barista: "No. That's all we have."

Clueless Connie: "What's this?"
Barista: "That's a fruit and cheese bistro box."

Clueless Connie: "Have you had this? Is it any good?"
Barista: "No, I haven't had that one. But people get it a lot. We used to have one just like it, just with a different kind of apple. I like that one. The cheese is very good."

Clueless Connie: "I don't know."
Barista: "Did you like the tuna fish? It really is good."

Clueless Connie: "I don't like tuna fish."
Barista: "Okay. I'm going to let you make up your mind. You call me if there are any questions."

Clueless Connie: "What about this one?"
Barista: "That's the chicken and lettuce wraps. That's the spicy one."
Clueless Connie: "Oh."
Barista: "I'll be right behind the counter. You come over here when you're ready."

Despite her protestations not to like spicy food - and the whole "where's the chicken" comment, Clueless Connie decided to pick up the chicken and lettuce wraps. And an egg salad sandwich. And a banana. And a venti double chocolate chip frappuccino. She was hungry.

She was also stingy. She didn't tip.

God bless Clueless Connie.