When crazy ladies ask for mocha

Dear crazy woman: If you ask for things that don't exist, the baristas will be get exasperated with you. Tonight on SBUXDRAMA Find out what happens... when people go to Starbucks, stop being intelligent, ask for sugar-free mocha, insult the barista... and start getting real.

Now that I'm (mostly) done with my mega-project (http://www.naplesnews.com/42) and not writing until 5 a.m. any more, I'm moving at 9 a.m. Sometimes.

Unfortunately, this lands me back squarely in the realm of the stupid people who jam into a Starbucks during the morning rush hour and DEMAND THINGS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THEY CAN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE TEN MINUTES EARLY.

Like the sugar-free mocha woman.

Sweet cheeks of Buddha.

It is wet. It is raining. There's proto-tropical depression dropping moisture out of the sky like a drunk cowboy relieving himself against a dusty fence post.

For the unimaginative, it is pouring.

I just want a mocha.

I can't find a parking spot anywhere near the store despite waiting for a good ten minutes for one to open up. I finally wedge into one near the antique store, get soaked prying my laptop from the car (I had intended to chronicle some morning drama while waiting for a noontime appointment) and head into the 'Bux.

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad move.

Every table was full. Every chair was full. Both four-tops had a solitary hipster with a laptop. But, you know, I can wait.

So, I wedge myself into the queue and get a coffee - because I'm wet and cold and cranky.

Then, I realize that there is ... a problem.

Which is like saying that Canada is ... a little chilly.

There's a ... "woman" ... in business wear and flapping around a Coach wallet. Her hair is screwed up in a bun that DEFINES the word severe.

She is berating one of my favorite baristas.

She wants a sugar-free, fat-free mocha.

Which is an impossibility - because this Starbucks does not have sugar-free mocha syrup.

Now, the basic definition of a mocha (purists will argue) is chocolate, some espresso shots, milk (added after the shots) and whipped cream (if you're decadent). I do just fine at home with Hershey's syrup, dumping in four shots and some cold milk (I have chronic inability to steam milk - the last time I tried, my kitchen smelled sour for two weeks).

Anyway. If you want sugar-free, non-fat whatever - you have to have those basic ingredients be sugar free - and this Starbucks does not have sugar-free mocha. If you want the low-cal crap, get a skinny vanilla latte - (which, incidentally, tastes like the water left in the sink after washing the pot I cook chili in!). To my knowlege, the skinny vanilla latte (at 190 calories) is the lowest espresso-based drink on the menu. If you're a diabetic, get plain old drip coffee.

Or stay home. Don't get all up in somebody's grill and hold up the line. And don't be rude about it. Your diet. Your problem. Don't like it? Go elsewhere.

Anyway.

This barista is TRYING TO EXPLAIN that the Starbucks does not have sugar-free mocha.

This does not sit well with Hair Bun. Who is damned and determined to have a sugar-free chocolate concoction.

She keeps repeating what she wants - and the barista keeps telling her "We have fat-free milk, but we DON'T HAVE sugar-free mocha."

She keeps DEMANDING that they "MAKE SOMETHING UP."

The barista keeps telling her "WE." "DO." "NOT." "HAVE." "IT."

She keeps saying "I want something sugar-free."

Finally, the barista tells her "Look. It isn't going to happen. Now what else do you want?"

She orders a drip coffee.

Pity. I half-expected a frappuccino.

And really - it begs the question of what the HELL you're doing at Starbucks anyway if you're on the sugar-free, fat-free bandwagon. Drip coffee yes, I totally understand. But anything else, you are SEVERELY testing your luck.