Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Such an interesting monster .... We meet Sequined Susan and Watermelon Wanda at the Starbucks!
It sits there for a minute - the blonde woman in the driver's seat obviously agitated - before doing a seventeen-point turn to get into a parking space.
X chromosomes in all shapes and sizes spill out of the car.
There's the dirty bottle-blonde matron, a young Rubenesque black girl and another whippet-thin pre-teen. A brunette who looks to be about 20 stays in the car. They hit the door in a chorus of shrieks and squeals.
The girls hit the bathroom - they go together and the adult orders a venti iced white mocha. And things go downhill from there.
Our mother unit is no June Cleaver. Instead of an apron, she's wearing a pair of blue soccer shorts with white piping and a T-shirt thin enough that I can see the leopard print bathing suit below it. Nothing wrong with that - except that perhaps you shouldn't be parading around in public wearing less fabric than it takes to make a full set of placemats.
Her attempt at small talk consists of "Is it going to keep raining here?"
To which the baristas give her a blank look - being that they have degrees in brewing coffee - not in meteorology. One says that it has been really dry - and that the showers here are usually over quickly.
Which was apparently not a good answer for June Hampshire. "Well, we were just driving back from Key West and it started raining and I was like HOLY S***." Well, if that was your reaction to rain, I'd hate to see what you do when it snows in New Hampshire.
June Hampshire orders and then tells the barista - those girls will pick up my order. She disappears into the MEN'S RESTROOM - and the girls come out. They are wearing some INTERESTING outfits.
The full-figured African goddess has on green shorts and a pink tee, which has a leaf design appliqued over the belly-button. It is a rather strange placement which looks like something is trying to crawl out. Also, the shirt is about two sizes too small, so there's an unfortunately wide slice of stomach hanging out despite repeated efforts to yank a mis-used piece of poly-cotton down over her gut. That war was lost before those poor fibers ever stepped onto the field of battle. She had tattoos on both feet - crudely drawn interlocking hearts and a word wrapped around her ankle.
The white girl was even MORE interesting.
I know that at this point, we all have that old Bugs Bunny cartoon, "such an interesting monster" running through you head ....
She was wearing a pair of blue jean shorts that barely contained her naughty bits and a white sequined top. Sequins - just the thing for a five-hour car ride. Her sandals had a decorative sequined leather flower the size of my fist on the top. She had her limp blonde hair up in a ponytail, exposing the tattoo on the base of her neck.
Age is relative - and you can never tell with kids these days - but neither of these girls could have been more than 18 - and frankly, they looked like about 16 (or younger). And all these tattoos.
Sequined Susan and Watermelon Wanda come out of the bathroom (I sincerely hope they weren't doing lines off the toilet lid) to stand around and look for a white chocolate mocha. They nearly mow down an old man and his grandson and are jabbering and waving iPhones in pink cases around when Sequined Susan asks "Where is the drink?"
"It isn't ready yet, just a minute," one of the baristas answers.
They go back to blasting away on the phones and clogging up traffic by the registers. If you'd have seen Watermelon Wanda - you'd know that she could clog up traffic on a freeway. Plus, I kept expecting something to delivered via the appliqued portal on her shirt. It was an awful choice - but she seamed to revel in it.
I'm taking in the fashion crimes as the barista asks Sequined Susan if June Hampshire wants whipped cream on her drink.
This precipitates a cranky response - "I don't know - what did she say?"
That got a raised eyebrow from the barista. But the drink was delivered.
June Hampshire didn't even bother coming back - she exited the bathroom - the MEN'S BATHROOM mind you - and went right out to the car to smoke. She sucked down a Camel faster than I ever thought it possible. They also dumped an ungodly amount of debris from the car onto the parking lot - food wrappers, cans, newspapers, I think they might have even dumped the ashtray.
Then, they pile back in, crack back over the same curb they hit coming in and head north, reeking of nicotine, caffeine and an undefinable air of "le skank."
Thank you again to all the Kindle subscribers and Facebook fans.
If you're so inclined, you can go online to the Starbucks Drama page on Amazon.com and leave a review http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0034KYYBE
at 4:22 PM