I've been seeing her around town a lot. She's one of those wealthy old wingnuts who flits around doing a great bit of nothing, it seems. I've seen her at two theater, the movies and a variety of Starbucks. Every time, she has on a cracked-out outfit and what I believe is her "signature" headpiece, a black sequined baseball cap.
Tonight, in honor of the Oscars, apparently, she's gone even farther upscale. Dame Edna MuuMuu has ditched the florals and has gone for sparkle. She's wearing a voluminous off-the-shoulders number. It has a one-inch jeweled and beaded collar that cuts across her not inconsiderable assets. There's a large keyhole - rather more a window - then it circles the neck. It shows off her leathery skin.
She's an attention junkie. For a while, even though she's been sitting reading the paper - she makes random comments into the air about the news stories. Gas prices, the deficit, Wisconsin unions, the weather and all manner of politics fall under her discriminating gaze.
She's also chatting with the Narcotics Anonymous types who come in between 8:15 and 8:30 for their caffeine fixes. "What are you all doing here?"
The so jittery he can't sit down twentysomething in ratty Iowa Hawkeyes sweatshirt talks to her. "We're just trying to get clean." She doesn't understand, so the skinny, raven-haired girl with him explains. "We're addicts. We're going to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting."
And then Dame Edna MuuMuu starts asking what they were addicted to. And in refreshing honesty, they all tell her. "Crack." "Heroin." "I started on oxy and then heroin after my husband left and my ex-boyfriend started coming around."
Dame Edna MuuMuu thinks the dark-haired girl is "absolutely gorgeous" and wants her phone number to call and give her encouragement. The girl won't give out her number and has to leave to get to the meeting.
Which leads to the next bit of unintentional and highly offensive comedy.
A darker-skinned man - either Asian or South American - sits down in the comfy chair opposite Dame Edna MuuMuu.
She decides to strike up a conversation - because she'd talk to a brick if it would talk back.
"Nice weather we've been having," she goes. The guy, deep into his computer, mumbles.
"You're tan," she remarks. "I'm from India," he says.
"Oh, but you look so dark," she says. CLUE-LESS!
It doesn't slow her down at all. Soon, she's relating the struggle about her condo board of doom, the trees in front of her condo (she told the board "Shit on you, I bought this for the view!), something with lawyers (STILL!) and her adventures around town, her adventure in Key West and her laundry.
This woman NEEDS a talk show, a newspaper column, a blog or something. She's a legend in her own mind - and could be a legend in everybody else's!
We should all bow to Dame Edna MuuMuu!
The old cow is messy though - she left her half-finished drink, the newspaper, a pastry plate and a wad of napkins in the chair. Just completely thoughtless.
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