Thursday, March 25, 2010

Muffin top fashion disasters

I love to dig around with the stats behind my blog - as tiny as they are.

This has got to be one of my favorite stats of all time.

Last week, March 14-21, I received five (5) visits via Google.com for people searching the term "muffin top fashion disasters."

If you plug "muffin top fashion disasters" into Google, you get the INFAMOUS "Fresh Fanny and Her Muffin Top" post (available right here), which is #11 in Google for that term and is probably as good an intro to the mocha-infested waters of #sbuxdrama as anything.

What's really shocking is that the post itself has absolutely nothing to do with muffin tops. Nothing at all.

According to Google Analytics, the take rate on that page is terrific.

People entering the site on that page consume an average of 10.60 pages of sbuxdrama.com and stay ON THE SITE for an *average* of 53 minutes and 4 seconds. ALMOST AN HOUR!

Obviously. I need to be writing more about "muffin top fashion disasters." :)

HOWEVER:

If you are just now joining us ....

This ... is Starbucks Drama. Nothing is sacred.

Here is the Starbucks Drama FAQ.

Here is the Starbucks Drama fan page on Facebook: facebook.com/sbuxdrama

Here is the Starbucks Drama Twitter, @sbuxdrama.

Here is my personal Twitter (@napleschris), where *most* of the Twitter action happens. I tag all the Starbucks Tweets using #sbuxdrama, so please feel free to adopt and use that for your personal needs as well. Many other people do too! :)

Questions, comments, criticism? Drop a line in the comments or on the fan page. I engage!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The smell that conquered Starbucks

There are some lists that just shouldn't be made - or overheard - out of context.

Vintage Billy Idol Barista is talking to Chirpy Charlie, ticking off the things that need to be done after a solid 90 minutes of a slamming rush.

He's a skinny little thing, Vintage Billy Idol, and he comes running out of the back room all excited, looking like a child who's about to tattle on his older brother. Which, in a way, he's about to.

Of course, this "child" is five-five, about as big around as a fence post and wearing a sweatshirt underneath his green Starbucks apron. Waif about describes it, although he's got a personality that's about as outsize as they come.

Here's what he starts spouting off, and just so we have an accurate visual, he's ticking off each item on his fingers in dramatic fashion as he's leaned up against the sink.

"OK. It is a liiiiiitle messy back there. We need to do some cleaning." That's the index finger down.

"The milks haven't come." That's the middle finger down.

"I need to count the tills." That's the ring finger down.

"And Shannon HAS GOT TO GET THAT SMELL OUT OF THERE." And we're back to the middle finger, and the cause of all the consternation. And he's worked-UP. Every syllable of every word gets a separate smack of the index finger on the right hand onto the index finger on the left hand.

Like this: "And - Sha-non - has - GOT - to - get - THAT - suh-mell - owwwwwwt - of - hee-UR!"  The "got" and the "that" get an extra stress, while "smell," "out" and "hear" all get multiple syllables."

And with that revelation, they both burst out in giggles.

I have to investigate. Anything that involves "THAT SMELL" and a barista giggle attack makes me insanely curious.

Keep in mind this *is* the Starbucks with well-known and well-documented bathroom issues. Because, you know, there could have been a gastric disaster involving some Thai food, a clogged pipe and various plumbing supplies. Or something more or less mundane. The possibilities are endless ...


Well, it was gastric in nature.



The third barista on duty apparently ordered - on a whim - some sort of octopus pizza.

Which, unbeknowst to everyone involved, arrived smelling strongly of the mer from whence the octopi came. STRONGLY. On a side note - how many baristas do *you* know with a gourmet taste for octopus pizza? On another note, can I add this Starbucks as a pizza place on Foursquare now?






He seemed to like it. They insisted on complaining, loudly and at length. I saw the pizza in question and it looked like ... well, pizza with octopus. I wouldn't eat it. Lump, with tentacles.

I would ask "Who ruins perfectly good pizza by putting octopus on it?" but I'd probably get roundly roasted by the gourmands who read this. For the record, I think octopus tastes rubbery. I can't imagine it on pizza.

But Shannon has got to get that smell out of here. ...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Snowbirds invade Starbucks

I almost had my nose taken off this week - and it wasn't even for a much needed rhinoplasty. That was last July. I've had a nose job and a chin job and no one noticed ....

Anyway. It is "one of those mornings ..." at the Starbucks. Line out the door and and people acting all kind of stupid. I really don't understand it. If you're IN THE LINE, you probably need coffee as bad as or worse than the people around you. Order, pay and move.

Not these people. This is why I don't have mind powers - there would be little puddles of melted human all over the place.

First, the He-Fool, clad in his best Tommy Bahama resort wear and some boat shoes, hmms and hrrrrs over pastry. Three people order at the other register while he debates the relative merits of coffee cake vs lemon pound cake. Dude. It is like Obama vs. McCain. Pick a side, pull a lever and move on.

The She-Fool, wearing a white windsuit over a fetching bright pink tee, occupies a hefty swath of space. I'm right behind them, but if the register were in Manhattan, I might as well be out on Montauk. With the Montauk Monster.

The last person at the other register clears up, and the barista asks if she can help someone.

She-Fool takes that as an opportunity to MOVE IN FRONT OF THE OTHER REGISTER AND START TALKING.

She starts flipping around the candy bars and packages of nuts, as if she's going to start eating healthy at 50, and yelling in He-Fool's ear about the health benefits of almonds. They have the register blocked like a jack-knifed semi on the Interstate. Coffee traffic is going nowhere.

The barista YELLS "Can I help someone who doesn't have a drink?" and stares right at She-Fool, who might just have a modicum of sense, because she backs up.

Apparently, I don't. As I go to step forward, He-Fool turns to look at her but swings his arm up and wide to gesture at the lemon pound cake and misses my face by a matter of millimeters. I felt the "whoosh" as it went by.

He never even noticed, engrossed as he was in the "DO YOU WANT LEMON OR CRUMB CAKE" debate, which the entire coffee shop could have heard and voted on. For the record, lemon. Unless you go for the reduced-fat cinnamon, which has a nice mix of texture and flavor.

After all that, they still don't move until I scream my drink order literally *through* them as they're standing in front of the register and start to push through to pay. Then, they leave - but not before staring at me to for being rude to THEM. As if I cared. The eight people in line behind me didn't either.

You can take the snowbird out of Massachusetts, but you can't take the Mass. out of the snowbird .....

Monday, March 22, 2010

Official Death Notice for Starbucks Duetto Visa


I got the official death notice for the Starbucks Duetto Visa in the mail Friday.

The notice came in the form of a simple, one-page form-letter (personalized with my name) that said simply "The Starbucks Card Duetto Visa program is ending soon."

Two key points:
1) Any unused balance on the card will be put on a *new* Starbucks card and mailed to me
2) The letter contained a booklet of coupons for *SIX* free drinks, one for each month April - September.

Full text of the letter below.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Howler monkeys, frappuccinos and Starbucks

Howler monkeys, frappuccinos and Starbucks Drama go together like a house afire. The potent combination must surely be a source of spell ingredients for the wickedest witches in all the land. After all, didn't one Wicked Witch rule over the Munchkins before Dorothy dropped a house on her?

My friend and I are *trying* (optimal word here - "trying") to enjoy a moment away from the stress of our real jobs inside the confines of the Starbucks. We score the sole two comfy chairs. The leather cradles us in a luxurious embrace. The sugary pastry carries us a way on a caloric cloud. The caffeine drives to that spot right up inside the brain that needs switched from "off" to "on" and triggers our "let's make the afternoon a better few hours than the morning" moments.

We languish, trying to enjoy the moment and the fresh (non-recirculated) air and the sunshine when ..... THEY .... walk in.

Three howler monkeys, all under the age of seven, loose-limbed, lanky, hyped up and a ready to howl. A harried father is in a business suit sans the jacket, but still in his tie. He looks miserable. We soon understand why.

You can hear them before you see them, although there's an occasional flash of the two girls, who are probably five and six (or thereabouts), as they run races in the lobby. Daddy has two hands and three little monkeys and a migraine the size of the deficit. I bet he wishes he were still a bachelor at times like this.

He finds a table within a few feet of the handoff bar and plants the Monkey #1 in a chair with Monkey #2 (both girls) beside here. For the moment, he's got a grip on the slippery little boy. I bet that's the most troublesome four-year-old in existence. He squirms and writhes and wiggles with all the force of a demon cooped in a too-small lamp until finally the father puts him down. This boy isn't just energetic - he is the very essence of energy contained into a small, four-limbed package and clad in GAP for Kids khakis, a tiny pullover and some little velcro-front faux "tennis" shoes. The girls are squirming too; they're bored.

Why then, with enough controlled energy to power a runaway Prius at his table, is Daddy buying three venti chocolate chip frappuccinos for his brood?

They suck them down like parched desert travelers finding a hidden oasis tucked between two sand dunes. Starving alligators rip into prey with less abandon than these children attack the frappuccinos. The sugar goes straight to their heads. It's like giving a 95-pound woman four shots of Jack Daniels and handing her a lampshade. Just go ahead and call the cops. And the ambulance. And a lawyer.

The littlest monkey, the son, takes advantage of a slip in dad's vigilance to hoist himself up on the table. I can't tell if he's pole dance, moon-walking or just celebrating the glee of lying prostate against the plate glass and licking the stickers for the Starbucks Bold promotion to see if it tastes like chocolate. Because everything brown or black must be chocolate, right?

While Daddy peels him off, the girls slip through this hands and start making laps in the lobby, circling between the register, the door, the trashcan and Distracted Daddy Dearest. They're engaged in a complicated game of tag that might superficially resemble CalvinBall, but probably makes sense only to them. I half expect a shoe to go flying any second and thwack a matron on the nose. Or maybe they'll string up a volleyball net or some wickets.

Daddy corrals them and plonks them back on the hard chairs. They - and the littlest monkey, who's making a bid for escape over the back of his chair where Daddy has wedged him in the corner - all resume sucking down the other half of their frappuccino.

And that's it. They're done. Venti Java Chip Frappuccinos are 600 calories, 23 grams of fat, 96 carbs. But hey - you do get 2 grams of fiber and 10 grams of protein (FROM WHERE I WANT TO KNOW!).

They sucked down one apiece.

And they're OFF. And I do mean, OFF. USA Track and Field needs to nab these girls.

The girls, with all that sugar coursing through them, absolutely cannot be contained. They're determined to "go see" the other half of the store, even though an adult could walk across it in four, maybe five strides. There's a nook where the bathroom is, with a wall that extrudes another foot to provide a modicum of privacy for people opening, shutting the bathroom door. They're convinced either Narnia or Terebithia lies behind that door. I'd drop them off in Calormen and be done with it.

While Distracted Daddy Dearest is trying to ride herd on his littlest princesses, the boy is unattended. And he decides to "rebuild" the display shelf.

*Clatter* *Clatter* *CLATTER CLATTER CLATTER*. He's yanking a display of green tumblers set just within  his reach off the shelf on onto the floor as fast as he can once he realizes that they make a pleasant clattering noise on the tiles. Distracted Daddy Dearest is at his wits end and doesn't know what to do. Does he go grab the girls - who are out of sight and potentially being kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery somewhere or turn his back on the precious angel destroying merchandise at a furious clip.

Then it starts.

"Fwappuchino."  The child is looking for another frappuccino and thinks if he can find another cup like the one he finished and daddy threw away, he can order one.

"Fwappuchino," he peals again. "Fwappuchino." And again.

"Fwappuchino." "Fwappuchino." "Fwappuchino." "Fwappuchino."

He starts making laps around the lobby yelling "fwappuchino," as if one wasn't enough. How big can his stomach be? Daddy is occupied getting the girls and the boy is determined to get another "fwappuchino."

On the whole, I never approve of leaving a child "unattended," even though he was never more than eight feet from the kids (although you only have to turn  your back for a second) - but no one in their right mind would snatch this one. No one with eardrums, anyway. Kidnappers would bring him back and ask for babysitting fees.

I wonder if they can even *FIND* a real babysitter? Only family would take these hellions without the assurance of either a substantial amount of cash or a large dose of cough syrup to "calm them."

There are three more *Clatters* and a few more "Fwappuchinos"before those stop too and Distracted Daddy Dearest pulls the reluctant and whining children back to a table. The girls look unhappy and angry, as if they've just been scolded. The clattering clown is about to start a freshet of tears and is clearly about to embark on a new round of "fwappuchinos" when all three light up and stream down of the chair like fat housewives going for the last piece of Sara Lee cheesecake in the freezer. It's Mommy!

They hit her all at once. Daddy slumps in the chair, a broken man, his spirit conquered.

They leave, happily clutching *ANOTHER* venti chocolate chip frappuccino. Apiece.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Soup and a splash: Morning at Starbucks

This is a split-screen Starbucks Drama, or rather a Starbucks Drama in two acts.

I'm looking for a dry place, out of the rain, quiet is optional when it comes to Starbucks - because I can put up my invisible cone of silence and block out the sound of a frappuccino blender going at full blast. Virtually the only thing that can penetrate my blast radius is a screaming baby - have you *HEARD* the piercing howler bombs on those things? A kindergarden crèche with a pack of dirty diapers could have smoked Manuel Noriega out of the Vatican embassy in Panama faster than Van Halen did.

Anyway. I need a table and an outlet. I score one as soon as some hipster backpackers leave - after I clean up their dirty dishes. I deflect a dirty look from some old lady in peach slacks and her gentleman "walker" who might be under the impression that age goes before youth.

No. I don't roll that way unless I'm related to you. Iced mocha and a MacBook goeth before a broken hip, a blue rinse and two tall coffees that cost next to nothing even though you rolled up in a Lincoln Continental. Sit over there and stare. Marvel at my Foursquare and nerd merit badges with which I've decorated my laptop. And leave with dispatch.

But I don't even get my laptop out when one of the regulars, who has decided that he likes me - because he reads my column in the newspaper most mornings - parks it in the other chair. He's fascinating.

But he's only fascinated until 10:45 a.m. He keeps checking his watch during our conversation - like he has an appointment he *has* to get to.

Turns out he does. The cafe up the street starts heating up the Soup of the Day at precisely 10:45 a.m. in order to catch the early lunch crowd and they start serving it at 11 a.m. on the dot, no earlier. He has the menu for the entire week memorized too. And he won't order a cup "because that doesn't fill me up," he says. He orders a bowl, and then he's good until 4:30 p.m., when it is time for the early bird special at one or the other favorites around town.

At 10:44 a.m., he's out the door as if on greased tracks. I follow his progress, when I see the second act start to unwind.

I really wanted to cue an orchestra to play what in Broadway they call an "Entr'Acte" for this one, because you really probably could have seen it coming.

I turn and and see a tall, skinny hipster with one of those gigantic purses - the type that you can shove a day-planner, a netbook, a book, a sweatshirt, a pair of ballet flats and some soda in and still have room for your favorite purse poodle over by the condiment bar.

She sets the portable van line down in a chair and prepares to prepare her coffee. The key word in that last sentence was "prepares." The first conjugation of "prepare" - late Middle English : from French préparer or Latin praeparare, from prae ‘before’ + parare ‘make ready.’

Our darling moving mistress sets the coffee down on the condiment bar and gets distracted - either by a phone call or a passing car or maybe just her thong riding up. And a venti bold goes RIGHT down into her purse. It doesn't just do a wimpy waterfall off the condiment bar, the cup somersaults off the bar and lands in the open purse, neatly as you please. I doubt safe crackers slide their tools with less precision.

She doesn't notice for a second, until she moves her hand back where the coffee was, at which point the freak-out is long, mighty and surprisingly good natured, considering. After a few surreptitious accusatory stares - just to make sure it wasn't someone else's fault - because we *ALL* like to blame someone else - she heave a giant sigh, yanks the napkin dispenser open and starts mopping.

It was a remarkably well-constructed purse, because the coffee never leaked out. That alone should mark it as not fake.

She fishes up a sheaf of paper and slings them in the trashcan - this paper - it looked like notebook paper (homework or notes maybe?) bore the brunt of the assault. Then, she grabs a huge handful of napkins and just wads them into the bag, trying to blot as much coffee as possible. I hope she doesn't burn her hand. I hear a slight "Ow." More gut-wrenching sighs - this must be "one of those days" for her - but shockingly little complaining.

The contents of the purse get laid out on a table and the purse thoroughly mopped and wiped with more napkins. A wallet, assorted cosmetics, keys, oddments and other junk get a quick wipe and tossed back into the bean-juice scented bag. Other now-ruined stuff goes into the bin.

She doesn't even bother getting another coffee. She decides not to chance her luck and leaves.

I brace for a squeal of brakes, a crash - but nothing. She survives.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Starbucks and Foursquare team up

Starbucks and Foursquare finally got their act together!

According to the New York Times BITS blog:

http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/11/starbucks-fans-can-become-a-barista-on-foursquare/

Beginning Thursday, latte addicts who visit Starbucks outlets can get more than just a caffeine fix. They will also be rewarded on Foursquare with a barista badge. ... Starbucks customers earn the barista badge after checking in to five separate shops. The coffee chain is still figuring out how to reward people for frequent visits.

http://bits.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/11/starbucks-fans-can-become-a-barista-on-foursquare/

I am so happy that one of my favorite social media sites and my favorite hangout are finally together. I'm probably a little too excited about this.

Really though - they ought to make it harder. Five shops is nothing for me. I'm already the mayor of at least four make that six - Starbucks in my area. I shall have to extend my quest for Starbucks domination ....

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Starbucks Drama: Old gals grab an apple fritter at Starbucks

It must be some law that if you hang around a Starbucks long enough, some old people will come in and act like fools. I had 45 minutes to kill Monday morning, so I got a mocha, flipped the lid on my laptop and waited. Cue the muy estupido.

WOACAS approacheth - these were the bane of my existence when I worked in retail. (Hover your mouse over the word for a tooltip.) Two of them. They only travel in packs you know, so that the joys of crankiness that come from old age is doubled with this group.

Number One (too bad she didn't have pointed ears and bleed green) had a princess complex. How do I know? She was too good to do anything herself.

She had a splint on her finger and used this as an excuse to wince a lot in a dramatic, sighing manner and then glance about to see if anyone had seen her. She also had a tendency to order #2 about - something #2 apparently had no problem with.

Number One orders for them - she's the alpha female, you know, and proceeds to find a table recently vacated by a busy morning mommy and her tooting, toothless, toddling toddler.

What to tooting, toothless, toddling toddlers leave? CRUMBS!

The crumbs proved to be a source of major consternation. You would think that Archduke Franz Ferdinand had just been shot from the furor these flakes created.

First, Number One puts her hands on her hips and "tsks" loudly, as of that is going to be enough to get the baristas to stop what they're doing - i.e. serving the 15-person line that was quite literally backed up to the door and causing people to enter, turn around and walk out - and come clean the table for her.

Seeing as how the passive-aggressive play wasn't going to work out, she tries to brush the crumbs off the chairs with the hand with the splint on it. This, predictably, ends badly. More wincing. More dramatic sighs. I watch in excited glee, although I cannot determine if her culottes are muddy green with a subtle hint of yellow, the victim of a tragic washing machine accident or just ugly.

Number One puts puts a quilted yellow satchel - which I later determined contained two Harlequin romances, a New York Times, a New York Post and a plastic Ziploc bag containing various medications - in a chair and went over to the condiment bar to retrieve napkins.

Before applying the napkins to the chair bottom, she looks around for #2, as if to say "Why am I doing all the work here?" Indeed. #2 is oblivious, wedged into a crush at the handoff bar between banana girl and a mother ordering chocolate frappuccinos for her daycare-bound daughters.

Napkins are smeared across the chairs and across the table top in a vain effort to eradicate the crumbs and flakes of the pastry glory days. The floor is the recipient of this largesse. Mice would grow fat on such a surfeit of bounty; the cockroaches sure as hell do.

Satisfied with the state of cleanliness (and possibly godliness) of the mesa, Number One sits and begins to unpack the quilted carryall. The detritus of the morning is spread across the table.

#2 arrives with coffee and then with pastry - an old-fashioned donut and an apple fritter. She offers to fix Number One's coffee and gets specific instructions on cream and sugar. Number One starts to carve up the pastries with all the precision of a drill sergeant and glee of a third-grader.

They begin to eat. Crumbs fly. They don't just fly, they take wing.

The pastries half-devoured and the coffee half-drunk, they decide to read. The Post for Number One, the Times for #2. Then they switch. They continue to steal bits of pastry from each other's plates, although they each got half a donut and half a fritter. Neither likes the fritter, although they're eating it with fair abandon. But it is clear the donut is gone first.

They turn their attention to the Harlequins for a brief moment before Number One decides it is time to take the morning pills. She sends #2 back to the register with a request for water, which she uses to swallow a number of large capsules removed from individual vials from the plastic bag tucked away in the quilted yellow carryall. I was expecting a pill-keeper. Maybe she likes to keep her pills separate. Easier to sell them to the other old folks that way.

They resume reading and fighting for the last bites of apple fritter. A sharp fork fake settles this in favor of #2 when Number One goes for the Times Arts section.

Suddenly, as if spooked, they start jamming stuff into the quilted yellow carryall. Newspapers, pills, books - everything is crammed willy-nilly back into the sack.

And they're gone. The place looks like a war zone from "Cocoon." Or an assisted living cafeteria.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Starbucks Drama: The Ultimate Starbucks Fashion Model Drink Order

Today's post is a riddle:

QUESTION: What is the ultimate fashion model drink order at Starbucks?

ANSWER: Please. Did you think it would be that easy? You gonna have to sit through some prose first.

I WITNESSED THIS ATROCITY WITH MY OWN TWO EYES. AND EARS. IF THERE WAS HALF A BRAIN BETWEEN THE FIVE OF THEM IT WAS A HALF A BRAIN TOO MUCH.

It is Spring Break in most of the land and the waifs and wild things descend upon the crystal beaches, warm sands and billowing palm trees of Florida. At least, they would be if the temperatures weren't forty degrees and old people huddle in sweaters everywhere. But still, the bright young things flock to the relative warmth of the summerlands from the frozen frigid wastes of the north.

Five fashionable females prance into the Starbucks.

Five fashionable females stare at the pastry case with sad, dead eyes. They have been whittled down to icepicks and carbs are a Stone Age memory. They want them though - even if they can't have them.

Five fashionable females queue for the bathroom and stare with disdain at the old people drinking coffee and occupying the comfortable leather sofa. That should be *their* throne.

Five fashionable females stand, chatter and can't decide whether or not to order anything.

ONE of the five fashionable females finally makes her intrepid approach to the register. Of the quintet, she's one that looks closest to having a figure instead of a few extra folds of skin in places. Her one major asset is a curvaceous and downright bootylicious rear end, which gives every impression that she's not wearing much more than a thong under her flimsy canary yellow skirt. What curves she has left are in *exactly* the right places.

She clip-clops toward the register.

And orders in a tremulous voice.

"Can I get a ......"








Wait for it .....














Wait for it .....


















Wait for it .....
















Half a glass of water. No ice.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Starbucks Drama: Date Night at Starbucks

For the purposes of this post, we'll pretend that the cafe at Barnes & Noble (which serves Starbucks) is, in fact, an outpost of Starbucks. Even if it isn't.

I watch people constantly. One of these days, as my friends say, that's going to get me smacked upside the head. But you see so much more interesting things that way.

Do you ever "see" things - people, places, couples, groupings - that make no sense unless you assume some unsavory things? Occam's razor goes right out the window in times like this. And they always seem to occur at coffee shops - which are a breeding ground for the weird and the wonderful.

I'm reading - because I've been working on a trashtastic book that I'm too cheap to buy for months now and nursing an iced mocha. My friends are doing whatever - one has an obsession with cookbooks and will spend hours flipping through the pages of gourmet food bibles. Then *THEY* sit down.

OK. Tell the truth. What do *you* think of when you see this combo: An older man (late 60s) wearing jeans, a pullover and loafers. AND. A skinny white boy, with floppy hair, wearing slacks, jacket and tie. He had an air of terrible sophistication about him and was all in blue - baby blue shirt, navy blue pants and jacket and and piercing blue eyes. I would say late teens, early twenties. There was at least a 40-year age difference between them, at a minimum.

And there was some decidedly odd body language going on between the two of them.

They drifted around the magazine stacks and came to sit at a table. The older man selected "Powder," which is for snowboarders. Our effete young sophisticate selected a weighty tome dedicated to woodworking.

They flipped through them with a display of feigned interest that would have rivaled that of any monarch at any court function in history. Flick went the page, flick went the eye across the table. Wash, rinse, repeat.

There is almost no spoken communication at the table - just looks exchanged between the two. The older gentleman gets up to get a coffee and comes back with a frappuccino for the young kid. He toys with it.

They finally put the magazines aside and sit there for a while. The kid is sitting crosswise in the chair, with one knee on top of the other. He draws patterns on the tabletop with his finger as he gazes idly at the room. The older man sighs and finally reaches his hands out across the table.

They stare at each other. I never see them touch. I never hear them say anything.

And suddenly, they're gone.

Friends, lovers, NAMBLA, family members - I will never know.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Spilling Coffee at Starbucks

I absolutely adore mornings at Starbucks. It is the intersection of Drama Street and Caffeine Deprivation Avenue.  All the hopped up coffee junkies aching for a fix flock to the welcome arms of the green apron espresso pushers before they're able to see straight in a bid to get their neurons firing.
I do my best to stay out of their way. Well out of their way.

This particular happened on a Monday - always a lovely day - because people have been cooped up at home with their family, birds, cats, dogs, children and husbands for two days and are either desperate to get back to the office or dreading facing the music of the cubicle-go-round. Either way, they NEED SOME COFFEE!

I had gotten my iced venti mocha and wedged myself into an out-of-the-way corner trying to reply to an URGENT! email on my phone (for the love of little apples people, it is 8:05 a.m., can it wait until I get coffee?). Then, this happened.

I'm jammed into the corner, sighing and trying to get enough coffee into me to think coherently and reply to a crisis not of my own making, when I hear the slap of expensive sandals coming toward me on a tile floor.

I look up and a well-appointed woman in a black business suit with her hair pulled back in a blonde pageboy is juggling a briefcase, a cell phone and a venti coffee. And juggling *IS* the appropriate term for this.

Madame Moneymaker is taking the door at a dead run, except that she wedged the phone into her ear and has neglected to get the lid back onto the coffee after dousing it with cream, sugar and milk.

Instead of taking the time to go back to the condiment bar and FIX THE PROBLEM, she keeps walking, attempting to fix the problem in mid-run. She's barking into the phone and jiggling the lid of the coffee.

Splash. And a wave of coffee slops out and onto the floor. Miraculously, none of it hits her, the suit or the briefcase. She shrugs, slows a step and keeps adjusting.

She's halfway between the condiment bar and the door now, and still working. More furious orders into the phone and the briefcase has fallen into the crook of her arm, hampering efforts to adjust the coffee. No matter, she hikes it back up - and sends another splash of coffee onto the floor. This one gets her hand, which she slings into the air in disgust before wiping it down with a napkin and mouthing some unmentionables into the phone.

The lid still isn't on the coffee. She finally takes the lid ALL THE WAY OFF and kicks the door open and goes out to her car, phone crooked between shoulder and ear, briefcase on the elbow, coffee in one hand and lid in another.

Two coffee spots are on the floor. I'm agape. I look up, and a barista has witnessed the entire thing. She rolls her eyes and goes for the mop. I go for my camera.

I had to capture the moment for posterity. I only wish I had had the daring to switch on the video and capture the full flight of this magnificent species in full walk, talk and coffee-juggle.

Monday, March 1, 2010

What I learned from my mentor

For starters, this is not a Starbucks Drama post. If you only attend for the musings of the coffee-addicted habituees of the green-apron shop, then leave now.

This is a blogger's roundtable post, courtesy of my former co-worker Holly Hoffman. She's the force behind worklovelife.com and co-owner of Neovia Solutions. I hope she does me the honor of counting me among her friends.

You can read more about the format for this blog happening here ("It's not a rave, it's a happening!"). The subject is mentors.

I have had many mentors in my life. I count myself fortunate enough to have been touched by any number of extraordinary people - but one remains with me more than 25 years later.

I grew up in one of the poorest Delta parishes of Louisiana. Almost 30% of the population of Richland Parish is below the poverty line; there are only 20,000 people in the entire parish. The largest town, Rayville, has a population of 4,000.

I did not grow up in "town." Until 1997, the year I graduated from college, people driving to my parents house - which they'd moved into when I was four - included "Turn off the paved road." My two-hour school bus ride took me to Holly Ridge Elementary, home to 400 K-4 and later K-8 students. The school no longer exists.

I could not read in kindergarten; several other students could - and our teacher made those of us who could not read feel ashamed. I had difficulty learning to read in first grade because the prevailing educational theory at the time taught phonics.

I was - and am - about 30% deaf, so "hukd on fonyks" didn't really "wuryk 4 me." Once I *got* reading though, how letters made up words, how words went together and how words made up sentences, I got it all at once. I went from "Pug" to third-grade level books in a matter of weeks; I even read textbooks for practice.

I still process information this way. I think of it as the "Big Gulp" theory - I have to completely wrap my head around something - and then once I have it, I have it completely, but until then, nothing.

Back to mentoring.

I won't reveal her name - we'll use Mary Smith - but she was my Gifted & Talented (as it was called in Louisiana) teacher from 2nd through 8th grade. Under her tutelage, I didn't just practice critical thinking, I learned what critical thinking was, how and when to apply it and how to actually use it.

Think of an oak tree. I was the acorn that had to first discover what heat, light, water and the soil were - and then how to convert those elements into the building blocks of life. I could never have done it if someone hadn't shown me that I had to grow up, toward the light.

Gifted & Talented was something *SPECIAL* at our school. Through the first half of the second grade, only one person in the entire school got "Gifted" classes. The Gifted teacher commuted in special for that one student and drove a diesel Mercedes that none of the regular teachers at my in-the-sticks school could afford. The girl that had that class was "special," because she was the only one who got Mrs. Smith's attention for an hour a day while the rest of us did social studies.

At the end of the first grade, all students took achievement tests. In somewhat of a surprise, I ran the table and finished far, far ahead of the rest of my class - including the one girl who was in the Gifted program. Of course, this was the first grade.

At the start of the second grade, the school district asked my parents (and the parents of two other students) if we wanted to be tested for the Gifted program. I remember going into a tiny room at the School Board building in town and running through what seemed like hours and hours of tests that made no sense to a second-grader. Of course, they were pretty average - shape and pattern recognition, sequencing and basic logic test. I passed, whatever passing would have been. The two other students "failed" to advance. Maybe this was some sort of proto-Gattaca or something.

It took more months for the paperwork to get processed, during which the girl who was already in the Gifted program was absolutely wretched to me, because she was afraid that she'd lose her "exclusive" place. She lost it.

It has taken me 747 words to find the right words to say that "The Gifted program was the first time in public education that I felt challenged, stretched, pushed and made to think." This continued for the next seven years. Every time I felt complacent, I was pushed farther.

Mary Smith inherited a lump of formless clay. She left a Rodin. How did she do it?

814 words later, we get to the point.

Every single thing we did in class was fun. Every single thing we did in class was educational. Every single thing we did in class we did taught me something.

In the fourth grade, I spent a week sewing and beading a sweater.

In the fifth grade, I wanted to study art, so the entire year was spent finding images in magazines that I could duplicate. I ripped paper to duplicate a mod Marlboro ad. I spent a month trying to recreate a Christmas ad out of wrapping paper and shopping bags.

My December project was a full-size gingerbread house. This was an experiment of grand proportions. I learned geometry (cutting sizes and shapes), budgeting, chemistry (mixing icing) and art, art and more art.

In the third grade, I started a series of what was called T.O.P.S. - Techniques Of Problem Solving. These were a series of cards in a Trivial Pursuit-size box, each with a critical thinking problem or logic puzzle on them. The box had to be done by the end of the year. I remember one of my lesser successes - "Candy Cane Cola," which was the solution to "Design a new soda, including can, slogan and marketing campaign." For some reason, I didn't think that soda had enough sugar.

Geography was my favorite. This was my first introduction to Carmen Sandiego. And to the meticulous approach to life that would serve the rest of my my days.

Mrs. Smith was a dedicated fan of note-taking, remembering details and paying attention. In many, if not most of the lessons in my curriculum, these were always at the heart. I played the computer version of "Carmen Sandiego" religiously, only to one day complain that I'd missed a villain because I'd forgotten a clue. "Why didn't you write it down?" I never missed a villain again - and was soon making connections within the game faster, because I recognized what villains were trying to do.

I was always supposed to be the best at whatever I did. Every game we played, every project I started, every problem I solved - finishing wasn't the goal. I was supposed to finish it *well.* I marvel at how different this philosophy is from today's public education.

Mah jong was another favorite. We played the entire week before Christmas in my eighth grade year, both in the name of culture and to teach me to think beyond the obvious patterns of "remove the first tile you can."

At some point, I learned the alleged longest word in the English language -  "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis." (Thank you, I typed it out correctly from memory! - just like I can still recite the Greek alphabet from memory!) My test on that word included identifying the largest number of individual words I could make out of it within 30 minutes and trying to come up the single longest *other* word from the component letters.

And so we went. I made bulletin boards; tested myself on speed-reading (398 wpm); spent two weeks on learning Esperanto; read "Call of the Wild;" filled out vocabulary papers on what a "flume ditch" was; drew ghosts, unicorns and bats; spent two weeks exploring M.C. Escher; solved logic puzzles; found out what quahogs were before "Family Guy" made them cool; discovered I was nearly 80% right-brained; painted; sewed; read the entire Chronicles of Narnia and the entire Newberry shelf at the Richland Parish Public Library; milk-fed a pumpkin; read Orwell's "Animal Farm" (yes, in the sixth grade); solved Brain Teasers; created homemade Christmas cards; wrote about everything I found out and learned that I was *supposed* to be smart, well-read and intelligent. Along the way, I discovered that not everyone saw the world with the same pair of eyes that I did.

I left my K-8 school in 1989. I did not enter Gifted classes in high school. It was an elective that required giving up some things in your schedule; in addition, I had met the person who taught Gifted at the high school level and we *did not* get along. I opted for history instead. Which served me better in college anyway.

I saw my Gifted teacher one more time, at my high school graduation. I thanked her for everything she had done, but four years later, she had other students and other proteges to worry about.

To this day, I don't know if she ever knew how much she influenced me. She had many other students in her career - and she drove to three other schools in her circuit - but for me, she was the path to enlightenment. Thank you, Mary Smith.

Homeless Crazy Fat Man at Starbucks

This is the crazy fat man that inspired these two tweets. Tweet One | Tweet Two



Here now, is the ...... the rest of the story.

This is the Starbucks at US 41 and Immokalee Road. I rolled out with a friend of mine for a quick post-lunch, pre-afternoon meeting caffeine break when we saw this craziness go down.

We were sitting in my car - a recalled Toyota as I'm so fond of putting it now - and preparing to get out when this .... man walked right in front of us.

He looked like a homeless person and there was *definitely* something strange going on. He had what looked like a huge sack of something stuffed up under his shirt. It was either that or the biggest beer belly this side of Boss Hogg. (Sorrell Booke, you are sorely missed.)

Despite my love for Starbucks Drama - we have a *firm* policy of not entering a place when it looks like there might be a homeless person threatening to blow the place up. No caffeine is worth this.

Dumpy makes a trip up and down the patio and the goes inside. He pops back out immediately and makes another trip back and forth down the length of the patio. We're gasping for breath from laughing and screaming and going "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" Of course, we've both already tweeted the news.

We're waiting for him to make another pass so we can grab a photo or video - but not be too obvious. We don't want to provoke a "situation."

He goes back inside. And right back out. It must not smell right.

We're trapped in the car. We *need* a coffee, but we're not quite sure what to do about him. He's looking more unstable by the second and we can't figure out what the heck he has under that shirt. Mike Tyson? A tiger? World Peace? A health care plan? Who knows?

He makes another pass and I get off a few photos. He doesn't come back out and there isn't an exodus of screaming patrons from the Starbucks, so he must have settled into a quiet corner.

We decide to risk it - the need for caffeination being larger than our queasiness over craziness.

We go in and there's not a sign of him. I roll my eyes and imagine that he's one of the homeless types that camp out in Starbucks bathrooms. We get drinks and leave and then I see him.

He's wedged himself into a nook and is reading the paper. The huge lump under the shirt  WAS A FREAKING PILLOW.

This dude has pulled up a low coffee table, settled the pillow on it, taken off his shoes (but left on the socks), stretched out the legs, feet up and is browsing the Wall Street Journal
 like the lord of the manor. I expected him to pull a bell and ring for Jeeves.

I'm only surprised there wasn't a silk lounging robe and some cigars in there.

I can't imagine the scene when the baristas finally realized what was going on and decided to shoo him out.