How to get free drinks at Starbucks

There is a dedicated class of people who live, breathe, walk, talk and exist with one purpose in life - they never plan to pay full price for anything. Better yet if they can skim a bit off the top and get something for free: THE SCAMMERS.

I had the dubious pleasure of witnessing a true master of the craft at work last week at the Starbucks near my office.

PLEASE NOTE THAT I DO NOT SUPPORT OR ENDORSE THESE DECEPTIVE BUSINESS PRACTICES IN ANY WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. THE DEPICTION OF SAID PRACTICES HEREIN IS MERELY FOR ENLIGHTENMENT AND POTENTIAL AMUSEMENT OF THE READERS OF "STARBUCKS DRAMA" AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A TRAINING MANUAL FOR POTENTIAL STARBUCKS SCAMMERS. THANK YOU -- SBUXDRAMA.COM MANAGEMENT

It was lunchtime and the line was backed up like a toilet at a fat camp. There was one harried barista (Old Lady Barista) at the register and another one slinging espresso shots around at the barr as fast as that wheezing machine could make them.

The line was out the door. Out. The. Door.

As I remember from my House of Wal days, if you want to run game (pull a scam) do it when the place is slamming busy and don't try for a big haul. The place will *almost always* suffer any amount of minimal loss to get you out of the way and deal with the more pressing problem of the customers at hand.

I have to have coffee. Need it, want it, desire it, I am going to break down and die if I do not get some chocolate and caffeine into my system at this very moment.

I order and fork over my Starbucks Gold card and my personal Venti tumbler. They're churning through orders; I wedge myself in the queue at the handoff bar and start tweeting the #sbuxdrama.

Suddenly, there's trouble. My coffee hot-spot radar is so finely tuned for any and all incidents at Starbucks that I think I could probably hear a coffee bean hitting a cafe floor at a hundred paces.

The girl ahead of me - who I *clearly* heard order two skinny cinnamon dolce lattes (I know they're 90 calories, but they taste like dishwater) is protesting "WHERE'S THE REST OF MY ORDER."

Listen up kids - and if you ever catch a busy Starbucks on the right day - and don't plan to go back any time soon - this is how you score some free drinks. Note that this will *NOT* work for regulars.

I forget what she was wearing. She wasn't the office type - and I think it was another pair of those black tights that everyone and their sister is wearing nowadays. There might have been a black and red plaid skirt. Big clunky boots and a fake label purse. You can always tell the knockoffs.

She gets the two skinny cinnamon dolce lattes. Instead of leaving with those, she grabs a takeout tray and jams those drinks into it. She camps out at the bar and stares expectantly at the barista, who has already moved on to my drink.

He looks up at her and goes "Do you need something?"

She goes "Where's my other drinks?" - "What other drinks," the barista asks?" "The two caramel macchiatos."

The barista looks down at the bar, where the other one on the register has cups lined up and there's not two caramel macchiatos there. And there ain't gonna be - because she never ordered them.

First, he asks if she meant to order caramel macchiatos instead of the cinnamon dolce lattes - but she insists she ordered *four* drinks.

The barista on register is trying to deal with a beeping coffee pot, getting pastry and a line of about twelve people. The one on bar just shakes his head and whips out two caramel macchiatos and throws them across to her.

She flounces out - having enriched herself by about eight bucks at Starbucks expense.

Starbucks Drama: Mz. Monochrome cuts in line

Coffee exists as the water of life for some people. Their pursuit of the inky black nectar of the Coffea arabica forestalls all other considerations - including simple human kindness.

Picture it, Sicily, 1943: [Wait, that's not right]

I went out for lunch with friends Wednesday and we strolled over to the Starbucks for a coffee before diving back in to an afternoon of work. I held the door open for one of my co-workers and a twenty-something dives through.

She's dressed in mod "artist" fashion. There's a pair of black tights and a limp gray skirt. What is either a black sweater or a warm-up jacket is tied around the size 2 waist. Further up the tree, there's a black and white striped tank top and numerous crystals dangling into the flat bosom. A purse large enough to hold Portugal flaps at her side. The purse is gray. Clearly, she has a thing for monochrome.

And for rudeness.

I'm holding the door open for a co-worker and she plunges right in. She then executes an elbow sharp enough to knife through an NFL defensive line and slices her way to the register. My friend turns to me and says - loud enough for everyone, including Mz. Monochrome, to hear - "Did she just cut in front of me?"

Mz. Monochrome, who has already ordered a double tall skinny cinnamon dolce latte and has the Bank of America card flipped out to pay for it, turns, wrinkles her pert nose and goes "Well, I'm in a hurry. I can't wait for you."

And with that, she turns around and flounces of to the handoff bar, where she studiously ignores us until she gets her drink.

There's not really much to do with these types - unless you can hold them down and force-feed them whipped cream until they explode.

UPDATED WITH LOCATION: Starbucks Drama: Is this the latest model Starbucks customer?

I don't know anything else about this except that one of my social media friends either found it or spotted it *somewhere* and forwarded it to me Monday afternoon. Bless him, he even used the #sbuxdrama hashtag!

WE HAVE A LOCATION! This is located at the Starbucks in Cape Coral, Florida. The address is 2378 Surfside Boulevard, Cape Coral, 33991; store phone: (239) 283-1357.





@bubbasroadhouse: http://twitpic.com/14s760 - @napleschris made out of starbucks cups and bags #sbuxdrama

This of course started both the Southwest Florida and the Starbucks twitter-spheres buzzing.

@napleschris: Just. Wow. RT @Bubbasroadhouse: http://twitpic.com/14s760 A person made out of #Starbucks cups & bags #sbuxdrama

@GAstarbucksgirl: @napleschris LOL that is hilarious!

@tjthunder: http://twitpic.com/14s760 - @napleschris made out of starbucks cups and bags #sbuxdrama (via @Bubbasroadhouse)

I would love to have this perched in the corner of my apartment. More than 50 miles away. I think I might have to road trip and get my photo taken with the masterpiece and see if I can acquire it!

Starbucks Drama: Personal Space Invaders

So. I'm trying to get a Starbucks and flirt with the Saggy Pants Barista (that's a tale for another time) who always tries to up-sell me on whatever product Starbucks happens to be pushing at the moment. Last week it was the organic almonds. This week it was raisins. Nice, but pricey. Gift with purchase maybe?

Anyway.  I order my usual - iced venti no-whip mocha - and back away from the register. Or at least I *try* to back away from the register. Unbeknownst to me, a suburban housefrau had stepped up right behind me and was intent on securing space in line for herself and an entirely unprepossessing daughter. Ugh.

I nearly collide with her and she gives me a dirty look. I wrinkle my nose and give her a nasty look right back and force her to come to terms with the fact that she invaded my personal space. I'm not usually rude, but I really do not like people to be all up in my personal space. She natters "Oh, I'm so sorry. I just wasn't paying any attention to how close I was. I just didn't want them to skip over me." Skip over you? Lady. There ain't NOBODY ELSE IN LINE!

I browse the wall of merchandise (you never know, there *might* be a good deal on that over-priced stuff) and observe how dirty the condiment station is. Splenda users, would it kill you to take a napkin and sweep the spilled fake sugar crystals and empty paper packets into the gaping maw of the bin instead of just leaving it there for some green apron wage slave to clean up?

I vaguely hear ice cubes being shaken and a barista calling out my drink and the teenage slattern - clad in pink and black striped tights - going "MOM, that is HIS drink." I look over and the housefrau has her gnarled and twisted extremities around my iced mocha in a death grip that Lord Vader would be proud of. The barista is trying to pry her fingers off it and is nodding in agreement - "yes, that's HIS drink" and pointing at me."

This woman has the temerity to say "Oh, well, I didn't know. I forgot what I ordered already."

What planet do these people *LIVE ON?*

Starbucks drops words "coffee company" from receipts

I have been trying for weeks to first FIND and them REMEMBER to scan and post side-by-side examples of the new receipts I've been getting at Starbucks.

I thought I had trashed all of my old-style receipts but I found one when I was cleaning out my laptop bag.

You can download the PDF copy and get detailed notes. But here are the high points.

1. The word COFFEE has disappeared from the receipt entirely. So has the branding "STARBUCKS COFFEE COMPANY." Is this really the message that Starbucks wants to be sending - that they're not a coffee company?

2. Your barista's name is now right on the receipt - at least the one who rings you up. So, if someone is cranky at the register - you know who call and complain about. I bet there are howls about this at stores. Customers are *notoriously* forgetful "?? um, the blonde one ??" - but now they have a name.

3. Why does it say CHECK CLOSED? Was it ever open? Am I going to run a tab at a Starbucks?

4. There is better information about each store, including addresses and telephone numbers. The old receipts had the store number - which customers didn't care about - and the internal lingo. Customers couldn't tell how to find it from those - nor how to call it.

The old receipt is at left below - and the new one at right. Baristas, customers - anyone have experience with these? After scanning, I dug around in my desk and found another old-style receipt from January 16 - so the change-over happened some time within the past month.

Starbucks Receipt Changes

Starbucks Drama: Two ice cubes for one cappuccino idiot

I have said it before and I will say it again. Entitled yuppies are the bane of a retail workers existence.

I sat not five feet from one of the nastiest, most hateful encounters I've seen inside a Starbucks in a long, long time and I really feel compelled to give an enormous (albeit anonymous) hand to this barista. She held it together well - and I am so glad I always tip her - because she took a load of crap with a side of crap, crap dressing, crap salad and crap flambé for dessert.

The order was two tall cappuccinos (a his and hers yuppie golden years special). She's one of the fastest workers around. The store is slow and there's no milk ready. She steamed some fresh milk for them while the shots brew. Unfortunately, steaming the milk - which I would have wanted instead of milk that had been stewing all day - may have been a mistake.

She makes the cappuccinos - in order, espresso, steamed milk and milk foam.

She hands off the drinks and the Golden Guru has an issue - apparently because he heard a milk steamer going.

"I WANT SOME ICE," he barks, before he ever even touches the drink. There is no please or thank you and the tone of command is implicit in his voice. The barista exists to serve him. Her low creature can't fathom the needs of a man of his skill, his grace, his virility - "I NEED SOME ICE."

This must happen a lot, because she scoops up a few cups with a cup and asks if he'd like to keep the cup. "I WANT THEM IN THE COFFEE." At this point, there is a bit of an eye roll she gets the the ice.

He opens the cup and she tips the scoop with the ice cubes. "NOT TOO MANY! I DON'T WANT ALL THAT ICE! WHY DID YOU PUT ALL THAT ICE IN THERE? I SAID I DIDN'T WANT ALL THAT ICE!"

There is definitely a sigh. "I WANT ANOTHER DRINK. I CAN'T DRINK THIS ONE NOW."

Everything gets real quiet. Even the sound system drops a level, as if the tension is going to ramp up a level. Grandpa Golden Years is standing at the handoff bar, glaring. The barista cranks it up into high gear and starts slamming things.

I hear spoons, pots, silverware and anything else behind the bar that can be banged, slammed or crashed to make noise doing just that in an aggressive passive-aggressive display of displeasure.

However, instead of just making the drink a few degrees cooler - WHICH WILL ACCOMPLISH THE SAME EFFECT - the old man gets antsy and starts stage-managing the drink.

"I WANT YOU TO MAKE IT AND THEN PUT TWO ICE CUBES INTO IT. I WANT EXTRA FOAM TOO. JUST LIKE THAT."

There are daggers coming out of the barista's eyes - and she is trying with extreme prejudice to look everywhere except at the man. If looks could kill, everyone within a five-block radius would surely have been reduced to slag hours ago.

Things continue to slam. She more or less throws the drink across the bar, although she does it "professionally." What is her reward?


A NASTY LOOK AND A STOMP ACROSS THE FLOOR. Where they spend the next 45 minutes sipping two tall cappuccinos and staring down the barista as if she committed some awful crime.

UPDATED: Starbucks drops signature hot chocolate, espresso truffle - both gone by end of February

****Updates are rolling in on the demise of Signature Hot Chocolate at Starbucks. Let's break it down in by the numbers.

1. Starbucks is dropping SIGNATURE HOT CHOCOLATE and ESPRESSO CHOCOLATE TRUFFLE. The regular hot chocolate, which is made with steamed milk and mocha base, will REMAIN. Starbucks will *still* have a "warm chocolate milk" option on the menu for the coffee-wary.

2. Baristas confirm that stores WILL NOT be able to order Signature Hot Chocolate after February 28. Individual stores will continue to have the ability to serve the drink until their supplies run out. When it is gone, it is gone. If you're married to the drink, I suggest bribing a store manager for a case.

3. Baristas at the store I visited tonight and on StarbucksGossip.com confirm that the drink was never a big seller. The official reason for the discontinuation is "low customer demand."

4. Additionally, multiple baristas (in person and on StarbucksGossip.com) mention some sort of "change" in the product months after it launched. Most say it went from a sweeter, chocolatey flavor toward a darker, more bitter taste.

5. The drink's excessive caloric count (a venti with whip cream clocks in at an astounding 600 calories) was probably another mark against it. The drink *comes* with non-fat milk, by the way. By comparison, a venti Java Chip Frappuccino has the same 600 calories, and a venti White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino clocks below that at 550.



*MORE* breaking Starbucks news.

Where they succeed with coffee, they fail with chocolate. The second chocolate drink in five years is apparently gone after just 16 months on the market.

Starbucks is removing the Signature Hot Chocolate from menus - and with it the Espresso Chocolate Truffle, which uses the signature hot chocolate as a base. As far as I know, the much-easier-to-make classic hot chocolate, produced with just mocha base and steamed milk, will remain.

The Signature Hot Chocolate was introduced in September 2008. As of yet, I cannot find anything official on the Web about the end of the Signature Hot Chocolate offering. Baristas in some stores privately confirm that the news of Signature Hot Chocolate's exit from store menus was in the Starbucks portal. A poster at StarbucksGossip.com confirmed that an action notice was sent to stores Monday, February 8, 2010 and that Signature Hot Chocolate will be gone by the end of February.


I, for one, desperately miss the Chantico, although apparently no one else does. Chantico lasted just 13 months - from January 2005 to Febuary 2006 - and its demise was covered in USA Today.

I really feel like I do not know the company any more. I *love* the coffee and the convenience. But I feel like Starbucks is trying to be an aspirational "food/health/product" company instead of a coffee company.  The reach for the Oprah/Ellen/Dr. Phil market is turning off people who value the "third-space" vibe. If there were decent alternatives around, I would honestly start exploring them.

There are exactly two indie coffee houses in this town. One of closes at 6 p.m., the other (far inferior, no WiFi, no food) at 9 p.m. There are at least a dozen Starbucks, two of which are open until 11 p.m. and another until midnight - perfect for a night owl like me. They have WiFi, which is free for me - for now, with their complicated program.

Starbucks and Chase cancel Duetto Credit card

This is confirmed. I got the letter when I got home today.

This is the opening paragraph of the letter I received from Chase: "As a loyal Starbucks Card Duetto Visa cardmember, we want to let  you know about some important program changes which will affect your account. WHAT'S CHANGING? The credit card partnership between Starbucks and Chase Bank, USA, N.A. has ended. As a result, in April 2010 your Starbucks Duetto credit card account will be replaced with the new Chase Freedom credit card. We know you have come to expect great rewards with Chase and we think you'll enjoy the great features and benefits that come with Chase Freedom."

There is a two-page letter that explains the "decision" and lays out the benefits of the Chase Blueprint program. There is also a flyer, about one-third of a page, with a coffee cup, with the headline "NEW Avoid the interest on everyday spending with Full Pay." It has features of the Chase Blueprint program and a link to the chase.com/blueprint.

I am saddened and disappointed at this decision by Starbucks, but not surprised. I was a heavy, heavy user of the Duetto card for one reason - and one reason only. If you set up an automatic reload from the Duetto *credit* card to your Starbucks card, you got a 3% Duetto dollars reward each month. If you reloaded your Starbucks card any other way and on credit card purchases, you only got 1% Duetto dollars.


With the recent changes to the Starbucks card, it is *clear* that Starbucks considers that it has already "captured" its loyal customers who passionate, committed brand advocates and will continue to come to the stores no matter what rewards are offered.

New marketing initiatives - the Perfect Oatmeal coupon for one, the undrinkable "skinny" drinks for another - are aimed at expanding the customer base beyond the already converted sheep who flock to the High Church of Espresso morning, noon and night and into the fields of wavering faithful who have not yet drunk deeply from the cup of the gospel of Howard Schulz.


I will be canceling the card in April 2010. My Starbucks Gold card with the 10% discount is valid until August 2010 because I didn't register it until August 2009. I predict my Starbucks consumption will drop dramatically in September 2010.


The Consumerist looks like it might have gotten the news first. Laura Northrup has a post.

Starbucks And Chase End Duetto Rewards Credit Card
The Starbucks Duetto Visa card seems like a relic of another time. A time when everyone thought that both coffee-infused sugar bombs and huge amounts of credit card debt were a good idea. Well, Starbucks is still with us, but the Duetto Visa card's run is over. read the complete post at The Consumerist

The Seatle Times Coffee City blog, written by Melissa Allison, also has something, posted at 6:03 p.m. read her post

Starbucks discontinues Duetto Visa card, another blow for some loyalists
At the same time Starbucks is getting rid of its gold card, which cost $25 a year and was used by Starbucks' most loyal customers to get 10 percent discounts, the company is discontinuing its Duetto Visa card too. The Visa program began in 2003 with Bank One -- now part of JPMorgan Chase (like WaMu is). read the complete post at Melissa Allison's Coffee City blog for the Seattle times

Starbucks Drama: I bet Jersey Shore never has "situations" like this

Seven tweets worth of Starbucks Drama! Broken sewer pipe? Someone for whom the "Perfect Oatmeal" wasn't so perfect? Passive-aggressive way of protesting the new Gold card status? The world will never know.

Please don't punish your baristas by creating bathroom "Situations." "Situations" should be left on the Jersey Shore, oiled, tanned and greased to within an inch of their lives and stuck in front of a camera with a hobbit named Snooki. Not left in a Starbucks bathroom.

THE PLAYERS:
@lchronister
@joeldermole
@ryanmgreene
@napleschris

THE SETTING:
An unknown Starbucks, in a galaxy far, far away.

>> Fecal disaster at Starbucks today. No idea what happened. No desire to know.

>> @lchronister Yours or somebody else's?
>> @lchronister Wait, YOU had a fecal disaster? Or one ensued before you arrived? Please, PLEASE, elaborate.

>> We must know! RT @lchronister: Fecal disaster at Starbucks today. No idea what happened. No desire to know. #sbuxdrama

>> @joeldermole Either someone else's or maybe a sewer backup or something. I walked in and nearly walked right back out.

>> @ryanmgreene No, not me. That's why I don't know anything. I just walked in and it was like the T&M after rodeo week, minus the hay.

>> @napleschris I wanted to ask, but the barista seemed so off-put (probably from having to deal with the smell) that I didn't have the heart.

Please remember that if have exceptionally snarky, funny, cranky or downright scandalous news from Starbucks that you're sending out in to the Twittersphere, use the #sbuxdrama hashtag!  Peace, Love and Cheetos!

Starbucks Drama: Empty chairs at broken tables

This vision of health, safety and politeness greeted me as I tried to find a place to blog Tuesday night.

PHOTO GALLERY: Leg is broken; Please do not use. Thank you

At least it wasn't pasted to the table with Starbucks Via stickers.
Like that unfortunate bathroom sign ....

Starbucks Drama: What are you doing with those rubber gloves?

I didn't even have to place an order before the drama started tonight.

I'm standing at the register and not a single one of the three baristas on duty after 10 p.m. at this Starbucks is paying the slightest bit of attention to me. Not in the slightest.

Their attention is riveted on something happening in, around and under the espresso machine.

One of the baristas, a new girl, slightly built, willowy, with a great deal of curly brown hair and resembling nothing so much as a skein of yarn that's been unraveled and jammed atop a broomstick, is standing there, ramrod straight, in her green Starbucks apron and an absolutely horrified look on her faee. She's wearing yellow rubber gloves, the kind that workers use to clean out the toilet. They reach up past her elbows. She probably wants to cry. Slinging coffee wasn't supposed to be like THIS!

The male of the group, a Caucasian with enough fake bling in his ears to open a "Ice is Nyce" franchise, stands crouched over something part of the way between the handoff bar and the espresso machine. The lower half of his body and one arm is under the counter - the upper half and the other arm is leveraged over it. He grunts, yanks, grunts and yanks. I have no doubt that a hernia is forthcoming.

The wise blonde, who flicks her eyes up at me by way of greeting before going back to a long, complicated six-drink drive-through order, says a perfunctory hello. I stare. I'm tired and there are a bunch of other laptop campers out in the lobby. This is as good as the drama is going to get tonight. I move in for the kill.

Yellow Gloves just stands there, helpless. She's probably a trust fund baby, just working to make booze money while Daddy makes the payments on the Mercedes, the apartment and the tuition. She's hoping for a wealthy man to come in, order a latte and sweep her off her feet.

Bling-Bling is still under the counter, grunting. I ask Blondie, "So what's going on?"

She keeps whipping out lattes for the drive-through, but answers, "Oh, we're just cleaning. But this one thing, it gets stuck, so we have to break it loose." She continues "Don't mind the smell. We know it stinks in here. We'll have it clean in a few minutes." Yet, she's making mochas over an what looks like an open garbage disposal!

Bling-Bling lies down on the floor now, moves almost all the way under the counter, and starts thrusting violently. I can see the counter shaking. Whatever this .... whatever .... is .... which I still don't know ... it must have been attached with a combination of SuperGlue and rivets the likes of which Superman put in.

Yellow Gloves is still quietly squeaking, and going, "Don't break it." Blondie is calmly steadying bottles of caramel syrup, my iced mocha and and few random shot glasses. She is completely unfazed. "We always have trouble with this. That's why we have have a man do it." And the ERA was just put back another decade.

I hear a massive "UUUNGHHH!"- soon followed by "It's loose." Bling-Bling emerges from underneath the counter wearing a massive grin and is surprisingly not dirty in the least.

Yellow Gloves moves in, crouches down and removes something that looks roughly like an upside-down bell, only there is an obvious pipe in the handle end where it was attached to either water or possibly drainage. She's got one finger firmly plugged up in this and heads straight for the sink.

Blondie remarks "Well. That's over, and we didn't even have to call the fire department this time." Bling-Bling goes "That's why I'm here!"

Baristas ... was this the garbage disposal?

Sweet tooth night at the biker bar

Someone should really do some sort of Starbucks correlation between the type of drinks people buy and the disconnect that sometimes happens between the appearance and the reality of the coffee buyer and the drink.

To wit, the wonderful world of Alice down the Rabbit Hole that I witnessed tonight.

Please note that I really don't care what the hail someone orders. I really don't care who, what, where, you are, exist, be or on what plane of existence you chose to play house - as long as you're not causing me grief.

However, I love delicious irony and subtle snark with all the fierceness with which I mow through a field of the Starbucks chocolate sparkle donuts. And I will chomp down a few acres of those faster than a witch will call out some flying monkeys!

I'm sitting in the corner, minding my own business and snarking on some old Eurotrash wearing striped sweaters (black and white for him, ugly red, blue, green and purple with orange accents for her) and  trying to figure out how to work my iPhone.

Something gargoylish, clad all in black stomps up. I would say that it defies description - but nothing defies my powers of purple prose.

Male, six-foot plus, with hair that has only a passing familiarity with shampoo but a well-worn acquaintance with both grease and a pompadour. The bushy poof rides high on his head like a wet racoon poised to strike at a fish in a pond. That's the high point, literally and figuratively.

A thin goatee frames the pudgy face, a vain attempt to disguise a weak and almost non-existent chin, which itself is swallowed up into a thick neck, which itself disappears into an atrocity of all atrocities, a green camouflage T-shirt worn over a black turtleneck. Green camoflage - worn in a totally unironic fashion.

This stunning and fashionable ensemble is tucked into a pair of black stone-washed denim jeans, which are THEN tucked into leather biker boots. A wallet hangs on the obligatory pocket chain.

The only thing that is missing is a spiked dog collar and some miscellaneous leather jewelry.

And what, pray tell, does this paragon of toughness order?

A tall strawberries and creme frappuccino and a slice of lemon pound cake.

Obviously, it was sweet tooth night at the biker bar.

Starbucks Drama: Call 1-900-Frappucino Meltdown

The late-nights at Starbucks are always a recipe for high drama. Late nights at fast food places are always a recipe for drama in general, because the staff wants to be able to close up the second the clock hits whatever magic hour is closing time, while the customers expect a full menu available at whatever time they walk in the door.

Starbucks is no different. The delivery truck apparently didn't run Saturday morning - so there were few pastries, no sandwiches, no signature hot chocolate mix for the espresso truffle and worst of all - NO FRAPPUCCINO BASE.

They ran out at approximately 10:45 p.m. - I know, because I was sitting there typing and the shift supervisor was on the phone with someone confirming that the truck was due first thing in the morning.

The action was pretty dead by then - most of the downtown action in this city rolls up by 11 p.m. anyway - so it wasn't like denying people their frappuccinos for 75 minutes was going to kill anyone. Except, apparently, it was.

The downtown Starbucks closes at midnight on Fridays and Saturdays. At 11:42 p.m., a wide-eyed and frantic twentysomething flew in wearing pajama pants and a dirty T-shirt that had seen better days during the Clinton presidency. She had a faux Louis Vuitton pocketbook and one of those keychains that was nothing but a bunch of memento keyrings chained together and looked like it weighed about three pounds.

Fake Louis tore into the Starbucks and starts gasping for breath, because at a her size, walking a few feet is a chore.

Fake Louis Vuitton: "Ohmigod. Please tell me you guys are still open."
Barista: "You're here. The door's open. The lights are on. What do you want?" The shift supervisor of this Starbucks is young, sort of ghetto and very cool.

Fake Louis Vuitton: "OHMYGODIMSOGLADIMADEIT." Breathe honey, breathe.
Barista: "What can I get for you ma'am?"

Fake Louis Vuitton: "I need two chocolate chip frappuccinos and two black and white frappuccinos." Yes, yes, yes. Someone actually ordered a black and white frappuccino.
Barista: "I'm sorry. We're out of frappuccino."

Fake Louis Vuitton: "Oh hell no." I really did not think people said this in real life. She went from pathetically grateful they were open to bitch in about two seconds.
Barista: "I'm really sorry. We didn't get a delivery today. Can we make you an iced coffee or an iced mocha? We can do just about anything else, but we don't have frappuccinos."

Fake Louis Vuitton: "Well, we want frappuccinos. Make it with something else."
Barista: "We don't have the special mix used in frappuccinos."

Fake Louis Vuitton: "Can you blend up some ice cubes and coffee?"
Barista: "That is iced coffee. It won't taste like frappuccino."

Fake Louis Vuitton: "Well why not? It is all coffee isn't it?"
Barista: "Not really. Frappuccino is a special drink."

Fake Louis Vuitton: "Well, where's a Starbucks that's open? I need a frappuccino."
Barista: "Uhhhh."

Fake Louis Vuitton: "What about the drive-through on Pine Ridge?"
ME (because I jump in): "They closed at 11 p.m."

Fake Louis Vuitton: "Well, where is a Starbucks where I can get a frappuccino?"
ME (because I know more than the barista): "There's only one 24-hour Starbucks in two counties." And I tell her where it is. It is 31 miles north, in another county.

Fake Louis Vuitton: "Are you SERIOUS?"
ME: "YEP."

Fake Louis Vuitton: Calls up her friend on the phone and starts screaming. "HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME? BECAUSE I'M NOT DRIVING UP TO FORT MYERS FOR SOME DAMN F****** FRAPPUCCINOS."
Barista: "I'm really sorry ma'am."

Fake Louis Vuitton: "What the hell kind of Starbucks is this that runs out of coffee?"

Fake Louis Vuitton: (on the phone, to her friends) "I TOLD YOU THEY SAID THEY'RE OUT!"
Fake Louis Vuitton: "Well, I don't know. There is nowhere else I can go. You're just going to have to wait."

Fake Louis Vuitton: "I'm never coming back to this Starbucks."

Starbucks Drama: You don't have to have espresso to make espresso

I *really* needed to do real work tonight, but the conversation between the two baristas working tonight is just a stunning illustration of the failures of the American education system.

I was only half paying attention - and trying to do real work - and thus missed most of the thread of the conversation, but these choice bon mots floated through. I was trying to do research and took these down, roughly in the order they happened.

1. "If you work hard you'll get raises."

2. "When I go out with my girlfriend, I feel bad because I can't hit on other girls and have a good time. My girlfriend, she's gone now." I wonder why?

3. "People with GEDs and holding down two jobs are lazy. They should be in college."

4. "I'm not quitting, I'm just leaving this Starbucks. And every Starbucks."

5. "You don't have to have espresso to make espresso." This was absolutely the most puzzling statement of the night. I *think* he was talking about the fact that in truth, any coffee bean can be ground into the super-fine blend used for espresso roast, although coffee purists (and Italians) prefer darker roast beans.

6. "Where's Haiti? Isn't it that island? Where that thing happened?" *there are no words*

7. "Why aren't you the shift supervisor? I'm an irresponsible, forgetful screwup." At least he was honest about why an 18-year old with a popped collar was in charge.

8. From a customer: "Currently, what I'm writing on requires a black pen. Do you have a black pen by any chance?" Those were his exact words. Currently, I'm wondering who uses "currently" in casual conversation.

9. "My favorite band isn't my favorite band anymore because the drummer got kicked out. Now, it is like he is standing on the side of the music road waiting for someone to pick him up. He's a good drummer, someone will stop and pick him up because he sells lots of records."

10. In reference to #9: "They weren't better than A-HA." Whoa. Just. Whoa.

11. Also in reference to #9: "They had a lot of old lady band-aids." Band Depends?

12. "Don't put the toasted sandwiches in the toaster. Put them in the microwave. They taste better." Oh. My. GOD. WHY DON'T THEY TELL THE CUSTOMERS THIS!