But howler monkeys and fashion crimes are not the point - although I did see an awful pair of lime green velour track pants earlier that were a gross insult to every woven fabric since the beginning of time, every color with even the slightest hint of relation to green and anything containing chlorophyll that might conceivably be called a "lime." Heinous. HAAAY-NUUUS.
Plus, her behind was two sizes too large for the pants, which the rear in question look like a bullfrog with a glandular problem.
BUT I DIGRESS.
I'm eavesdropping on the Pippi Longstocking character that rolled in to order a tall cappuccino. She's the chatty type and is yammering it up to the bored barista, who starts off the conversation just nodding, before her eyes start getting wider - and wider - and wider - to the point that I wonder if she's going to turn into one of those anime girls.
Pippi Longstocking truly does have the Pippi Longstocking hair. Tight braids going at 45-degree angles out the back of her head behind the ears. They even have a good bit of lift to them. I don't even know how tight hair has to *be* braided for that. Pippi (the real Pippi, the one yammering on here in the Starbucks), has on a gray dress with some ginormous blue flowers on it and gray leggings. It is the sort of thing Carrie Bradshaw would wear if she were outfitted by K-Mart instead of Patricia Field.
She's babbling to the barista and then I hear this. "So my dad was out with his mistress." The girl's eyes got wide.
"... and then he ran into his wife." The girl's eyes got wider. I perked up, because, you know, I love some good family drama.
"and she was with SOMEONE ELSE." We're at anime eyes here on the barista, and I'm at the point where I want to go up and ask Pippi "Excuse me, can you just sit down over here and talk for a while? I want to make sure I get the details right."
Pippi keeps going while the barista is making the cappuccino - which I am SORELY disappointed is not one of those complicated concoctions that require mixing and multiple espresso shots, or possibly a blender and things.
These are the key points. As I understand them - because the blasted howler monkeys picked that EXACT moment to start screeching. Put a banana it howlers!
1. Daddy Longstocking and the Mommy Longstocking still live together. (for the moment)
2. Mommy Longstocking is worth a bundle; Daddy Longstocking is the brains, but doesn't actually have the family money, even though he manages the company business. I think that's how it rolls. Coffee grinder, blender + screaming children.
3. Mommy Longstocking just spends the money, plays tennis and shops a lot.
4. Daddy Longstocking is upset over the situation - and decided to take a mistress.
5. Daddy Longstocking and Mistress Pantyhose were out on Fifth Avenue one night.
6. Daddy Longstocking and Mistress Pantyhose RUN INTO Mommy Longstocking and HER boytoy, who is apparently not that old.
7. Up to that point, NEITHER Daddy Longstocking NOR Mommy Longstocking knew that the other one was playing away games in somebody else's sock drawer.
8. And apparently, the bureau drawer is now in the process of being divided. According to the terms of the pre-nup, Daddy Longstocking is probably going to get a sock with a hole in the toe and little else.
9. And with that, Pippi Longstocking took her tall cappuccino and flounced out.
Baristas are better confidantes than hairdressers - and the coffee costs less than a haircut!
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