Coffee Boy wants sixteen venti Starbucks drinks to go, please!

I'm trying to have coffee with a friend at a tiny Starbucks Wednesday morning - why they made this one so small is beyond me (I've only ever been in one "real," non-airport, non-Target Starbucks that was smaller) - and the line of customers suddenly explodes around 10 a.m.
Which, if you think about it - is bizarre.

I am a habitué - I know the rhythms of most of the latte-slinging establishments in this city like the back of my hand. For the record, you really, really, REALLY do not want to hit a Starbucks at 15 minutes before the hour on weekdays prior to 9 a.m. Let the caffeine-deprived office drones get behind their computers first, then get a latte. M'kay?

So. Here it is 10 a.m. - and suddenly the lobby is slammed with people. Like an invasion of the Latte-Snatchers. My drama detectors go off.

I look up and there's and office boy - I don't know what else to call him - ohh, Coffee Boy - he had on a starched white button down, black pants with creases in them so sharp you could get a paper cut and black shoes, plus an ugly patterned tie.  Why was he getting coffee? He didn't win the WASP genetic lottery and had a face like someone smacked him with frying pan. The pretty boys were probably canoodling someone in the supply closet and avoiding the unpleasant duties.

There was also the anal-retentive personality, which soon became ABUNDANTLY clear.

Coffee Boy had come to the Starbucks armed with a list of orders from his office.

We're not talking some "large latte, chai tea, mocha" scribbled on a Post-It. OH. NO. HOW BADLY WRONG YOU ARE.

HE HAD A PRINT OUT. WITH TABLES ON IT.

Mathematical precision required to run the Starbucks takeout order.

And let me tell you folks. What a drink order this was. There was a REASON the Starbucks lobby was backed up like the toilet at a fat camp.

The harried barista starts handing out cups of various shapes, and Coffee Boy pulls out FOUR - FOUR - FOUR! - of those cardboard takeout trays and slaps them down on the handoff bar.

He whips out his little list and starts checking things off.

But before he put the puts the cups into the takeout tray, he quizzes the baristas AGAIN on "did you make this exactly like they said?" I can see that he is reading off of a list of complicated instructions.

I almost feel sad for this child, because it is VERY OBVIOUS that some office full of high-powered, evil, corporate alligators sent this defenseless little toadfrog out into the world with a coffee list that read like "Venti, iced caramel macchiatto, with extra caramel, add caramel and whipped cream" or "Quad venti raspberry white chocolate mocha, add two pumps vanilla and whipped cream and extra spinkles, go light on the ice" or "Tall, six-pump, four-Splenda, half-caff, vanilla latte, with room for cream and sugar."

The list could go on and on. And if he screwed it up, he'd probably have to file a ream of blank paper in the basement according to the the light/dark of the watermark or something. Or collate tree leaves.

FOUR takeout trays of this madness. FOUR. That is sixteen drinks - sixteen individually made drinks. The Caffeine Freaks in line behind him were getting restless as he contemplated stacking up all four trays at once and heading out the door.

I COULD SEE THE DISASTER COMING AND WAS PRAYING - PLEASE KALI, LET THIS THE WISDOM OF PEACE DESCEND UP ON THIS YOUNG FOOL! I bet he never thought that business degree would end up with him fetching coffee! He could have majored in something easy in the College of Liberal Arts and hung out with the drama majors and the hippie chicks and had fun in college!


Thankfully, it did.

He decided that discretion was the better part of valor, asked the barista (who'd probably had enough of him) - and did NOT want to remake all that mess - to watch the coffee. Coffee Boy made multiple trips out to his car (well, two) with the takeout.

I really, really, really hope that he drove carefully and slowly on the way back to whatever office building he worked at.

I wonder how he got all that coffee indoors?