Starbucks Drama: What You Missed

Look people. Leave a comment. Make me feel loved. Think of the children. LEAVE A COMMENT. Please. Back the Starbucks Drama. Not my drama. Ya'll couldn't handle that. Seriously.

• Two weeks ago, we (my various personalities and the poltergeist that lives in my apartment, which I am now calling Kwanisha) visited Starbucks in time for the great Toilet Paper Incident of 2009. Reading all my posts from the past two week - including this one, where the barista in charge of the store was COUNTING MONEY IN THE SAFE while her colleague threw rolls of toilet paper at her - makes me wonder if those security cameras actually work. Remember that when your barista grabs that last slice of pound cake with his or her dirty hands!

• Oh. She-Wolf and Man-Child. The cigarette-smoking dilettantes that I wanted to jump up, go outside and slap, especially after she blew smoke all over about four tables. The boy I just wanted to jump up, go outside and jump. Figure it out.

• Then, there was another attack of the calorie-counting missionaries. God save me from a bunch of pursed-lip, unhappy, miserable traveling calorie counters. We're all going to hell. Travel in style on the frappuccino express!

• Real life started getting in the way, so I swept up a few hours worth of #Starbucks tweets and organized them into a three-act Twitter opera. Only one person seemed to appreciate the slavish work and devotion. I enjoyed it - would anyone like a regular feature - if only to see the insanity that passes for "intelligent chatter" on Twitter?

• Everyone seemed to like the "Heather Has Two Mommies" post. I still haven't figured out what particular bit of craziness was being perpetrated. As long as the howler monkey wasn't coming in my direction - I'm fine with it. Although I still maintain the kid needed a smack on the bottom.

• My favorite of the month - and of all time, next to the insane sugar freaks that were eating frappuccinos with spoons - was the full on macking of Charles the Chin and how poorly he attempted to woo Little Apron Aaron. For the uneducated, I actually did research and made many historical references. Read it, for thou shalt become educated!

• I must NOT forget Vintage Billy Idol and the Unabomber. I think he likes me - Vintage Billy Idol - not the Unabomber (that one's very meh). I've gotten a free pound cake and and a free coffee in two visits. If only he knew who Ron Jeremy was. And didn't try to involved me in the conversations about Ron Jeremy's "assets" - or tennis matches behind the Starbucks counter. Barista antics - they never get old.