Sugar-licious

Now, we've established that I'm in no way an exercise freak or a health nut. But I've never ordered ten shots of anything in a Starbucks drink. The most I've EVER done is four shots of espresso. And in living memory, I can't recall requesting extra shots of syrup.

Well children, I'm here to report that sugar freaks are FAR worse than caffeine freaks.

Caffeine freaks are understandable. I've been one for most of my adult life. I like sugar, but I can satisfy that craving through chocolate, pastry, fruit, raisins or any number of outlets - not just refined sugar.

My comfy chair was occupied - yet again - when I entered the Starbucks. So, I decided to camp out near the area where they hand off the drinks. I've learned these past few weeks that you need to be near the places where baristas and customers talk to get the *good* dirt. :)

The drawback to this particular location - as I'm discovering right now - is that it is immediately under the speaker. Which right now is pumping out something that sounds suspiciously like a funeral dirge. Where's Carly Simon when you REALLY need her? Or the Beatles? I miss the Beatles at Starbucks.

Anyway. The point of all this. I'm like four feet from the handoff bar when I hear things that should never be heard.

"TEN PUMP VENTI CARAMEL LATTE"

My eyes make that googly thing - o_0 - and I'm sure I probably stared at her like I normally do. She looked normal, so I assumed this was a temporary glitch in the matrix, knocked out a quick but amazed Tweet and went back to my truly excellent chicken pad Thai takeout.

Then, Tall Tina pushes over a VENTI CHOCOLATE CHIP FRAPPUCCINO WITH EXTRA CHOCOLATE CHIPS - for a seven year old girl. At 8:30 p.m. at night. This child was going to be bouncing off the walls in a few hours.

And then delivers the coup de grace.

A SIX PUMP TALL AMERICANO. Now. I actually had to ask what the hell this one was. An Americano, according to Starbucks Drinks Simplified, is "Espresso diluted with hot water until it's roughly the strength of regular coffee." Pumps, in this case, are pure sugar in the drink before they put any MORE in on the condiment bar.

So, dude wanted six full pumps of straight-up sugar in his drink.

I seriously do not think any of them were planning on sleeping at any point in the next days. The sugar alone. It makes my teeth hurt.