Going to hell on the frappuccino express!

Oh baby. Here we go again.

Yuppies. 10 p.m. and they're doing the 20 Questions over the calorie count in the drinks.

This game never seems to get old. I wonder if there's some sort of mystery shopping company that intentionally tortures baristas with this little game?

For some reason, I think they're traveling missionaries or something. They have that "pursed" look, you know, that "I never get my parts oiled *real* good" look that people have?

Besides, how many husband and wife pairs travel in full business suits? Together? He's got the tan slacks and a light-blue short-sleeve shirt, she's got the pale pink slacks, white top and some sort of sea foam green jacket with gold buttons. It is ugly but looks very "to-do." The only thing missing is a Bible. That might be in his breast pocket.

She's also clutching a magazine that looks suspiciously unlike anything mainstream. You can always tell by the advertising on the back. And whatever is on the back of this is no liquor ad. This magazine doesn't have that "slick" look.

OK. Back to the story. I get distracted so easily. Oh, shiny.

First, they come in and peruse the cold case with all the attention of a fine gourmand going over a fairly interesting cafe menu. We'd like the roasted heretic to start ...

I mean, there's three fruit cups, a couple stale old egg salad sandwiches and a thing of granola in there. What the hell else is there going to be at 10:15 p.m.? A turkey? And of course a full complement of drinks.

So they go through the drinks. First the Starbucks espresso shots. Which obviously do not meet with favor. Then the Odwalla brand orange juices. They don't like those either.  Then the Izze teas get a going-over. What the hell are they looking for? Probably something low in sugar. Which is pretty much a strikeout at Starbucks.

They don't like anything in the cold case.

So we move on to quizzing the barista.

What's in the Strawberry Banana smoothie? I would have given money to hear him say something snarky like "watermelons."

They don't like strawberries or bananas. They want the calorie count on the banana chocolate vivanno. And the orange mango banana version.

Then, we move on to the Tazo Tea Lattes. I'm thinking, "Please Shiva, Let's not go through the entire menu. I might learn it if I stick around enough Starbucks with enough 20 Questions customers long enough. Complete with instructions and calorie counts."

We move on to the teas. How many calories? Can they be made with sugar? Which is all fine. I totally understand. If you're looking for something that's low in sugar and high in taste, then you want the best option. I just don't understand why you think you'd find it at a Starbucks at 10:20 p.m. at night.

THAT IS WHAT THE WEB SITE IS FOR!

That's where you find out that you should NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES get whipped cream on a drink. EVER. It will kill you. Dead. Seriously. You might as well drink chocolate syrup straight from the can. Which I totally used to do. I love Hershey's. Chilled cake icing is good too. Tastes like fudge.

Finally, we settle on a cup of coffee. Plain coffee. Nothing added, nothing gained. PLAIN COFFEE.

Twenty minutes, twenty questions, PLAIN COFFEE.

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They do this to torture the baristas. It is a secret program. I am convinced. CONVINCED.

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And this genius barista, the one who patiently went through all these questions about sugar content and fat and calories, asks "Room for cream and sugar?"

I near 'bout died. Especially when the man said "Sure."

Now what was the point of all that if you're going to dump cream AND sugar into the coffee? If you're going to hell, you might as well go first class. Get the frappuccino and a slice of cake to go with it!