Holly Highwater and Polly Pickamix

What day is it? I've lost track. I barely know my own name. #dunkindonutsdrama?

Anyway. I'm parked at the deadest Starbucks this side of Utah (I AM NOT BEING DISRESPECTFUL, IT IS A JOKE, and according to Google, an inaccurate one!). On a side note, are there Starbucks in Utah? (Yes, 54, according to starbucks.com)

Now that my sad attempt at humor is over. I'm sitting in a dead, dead, dead Starbucks. There was photographic evidence of said fact, even. Dead. (I was going to make a showbiz pun, but no one's career is really dead anymore.)

Anyway. I need time for the sugar and caffeine to work on my raging headache before I drive home. I sit and look at the Internet on my phone and think about life and wonder how the heck I got to this point in my existence.

Oh yeah. I'm also praying for some Starbucks drama to happen, otherwise I'm stuck blogging about how I watched a guy surfing the net for Oral-B toothbrushes while slurping down a coffee cake and knocking back a white chocolate mocha this morning. The dichotomy is funny, but I can't spin much gold outta that straw!

And right on cue, fun walks and waddles in.

Trouble always comes in pairs. Always. Invariably. Makes you wonder if the inevitable higher power has a sidekick, really, because you know that other than Cthulhu, the rest of the deities probably at least had someone around to carry the packages.

Anyway. Two girls, one skinny and one way to big for her the britches she's poured into. Which is always the case when a zero accompanies a one anywhere.

The skinny one, hereby dubbed Holly Highwater, is trying to rock some ironic seventies fashion and has been tragically mis-instructed. Or else she's taking fashion tips out Tiger Beat. You can never tell these days.

She's doing the bell bottom thing, but has added a few cuffs and the resulting pants are hitting her about a foot above the ankle. Not quite capri length, not quite cuffed blue jeans, and certainly not flares or bell bottoms. Just bizarre. It makes her legs look stumpy.

Holly Highwater orders quickly. Skinny girls never seem to have trouble at Starbucks. They either order the most fattening thing on the menu and sit with it for hours and throw it all away in the trash or order a cup of hot water and sit with THAT for four hours. Nothing much in between.

Polly Pickamix is the fun one to watch. She apparently decides that since the place is empty except for me, Holly Highwater and two very bored baristas, she can give a command performance of "I Can't Make Up My Mind."

And this riveting show is something to watch. Truly. I've never seen a fat girl - and as a fellow fat girl I have every right to use that phrase - take a full five minutes to order off a Starbucks menu.

It was simply astonishing. First there was the jamming of both hands in the back pockets of the alread over-stressed jeans as she stared at the menu board, rocking back and forth from one foot to the other. Rock. Rock. Rock. Rock. Please don't tip over. Please?

Then, she asks the barista about pumpkin spice latte and if it tastes too "pumpkiny." Which I guess is a legitimate question. I'd rather they ask than get it and hate it.

Then Polly Pickamix puts her finger in one corner of her mouth and starts worrying a fingernail. She's genuinely puzzled. White Mocha? Espresso Truffle? Coffee, tea or thee?

The barista starts giving her that "can you please get it together" look, then asks "Do you have any more questions?"

These were upper-middle-class Caucasian young adults who I'm fairly certain have been into a Starbucks before, or at least knew what coffee was. There was enough skin showing to open up a leather store. They weren't visitors from another planet, culture or country. They knew the score. Well, maybe not. I have to wonder if Polly Pickamix knew that Starbucks served coffee.

Finally, the barista gets bored waiting. The order for Holly Highwater is sitting there on the screen and she said "You let me know when you figure it out" and goes off to make the first girl's drink.

I wanted to yell "Girlfriend, they serve coffee. FIGURE IT OUT!" I mean really? Have you looked at the menu board of a Starbucks lately? It isn't THAT complicated. Coffee, hot or cold. Smoothie or frappucinno or tea. What am I missing? PS: I miss Chantico. Seriously. That was some good stuff.

Anywhatzit. The first girl gets her drink (a tea or something) and stands there sipping on it and trying to help Polly Pickamix decide.

She finally orders a iced mocha and the world breathes a sigh of relief as the deadlock on the UN Security Council is broken.

I really hope girlfriend never has to make a hard decision, like college or something. She'll be on Medicare before she figures out that Florida State would have been an OK call.